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Archive for January, 2008

Irish Jokes You Can Tell While Visiting Ireland

Friday, January 25th, 2008

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The Irish shine with a literary and spiritual brilliance so bright they have no need of earthly illumination.

What do you call an Irish terrorist?
No one knows, since no Irishman would commit a cowardly and vile act like terrorism. The Irish, though, will not back down from the fight for freedom, no matter where that fight takes them. They’re just that brave and virtuous.

Two Irishmen walk into a bar. After consuming a reasonable amount of alcohol, in line with that shown to increase longevity and arterial health, they clap each other warmly on the shoulder and return home to their wives, who, like all Irish woman, are not only beautiful, but also wise and good.

What’s an Irish seven course meal?
It could be anything, because the Irish have adopted the culinary traditions of myriad cultures. But at its finest, it will include a perfectly boiled potato, the likes of which are unknown outside the gleaming shores of Eire.

Hamlet, With Proper Editing

Thursday, January 17th, 2008

Act I
Hamlet: I’m bummed.
Horatio: Dude.

Act II
Ghost: Kill Claudius.
Hamlet: Umm…

Ophelia: I love you!
Hamlet: Whatever.

Act IV
Ghost: Could you, like, freaking kill Claudius now?
Hamlet: Stabby stabby!
Polonius: Ow!

Act V
Hamlet: Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. Also, Laertes is dead, and Gertrude is dead, and Claudius is dead, and, also, I am dead.
Fortinbras: Awesome.

The end.

Frequently Asked Questions

Monday, January 14th, 2008

Q: What time is it?
A: It’s a little before 11. 11ish, basically.

Q: If you’re not doing anything tomorrow, would you want to, umm, like, go to a movie or something?
A: O, I totally, no, I, I have this, this thing, so, uh, no.

Q: Are you ok?
A: Yes! Why do you keep asking me that? Ferchrissakes! I’m fine, ok? OK?

Q: What’s up?
A: Not much. You?

Q: Did you see that!?
A: Yes! Omigod! What the fuck was that?!

Q: What’s the name of that film/person/event that I can’t currently remember? The one with the salient element?
A: Escape to Witch Mountain/Kim “Tootie” Fields/The Tunguska Event

“There Will Be Blood,” in memo format

Sunday, January 13th, 2008

To: Eli Sunday

In re: Your milkshake.

I drink it. I drink it up.

Daniel Plainview

Gun Control!

Friday, January 11th, 2008

Spoonbot has been accused of being irrelevant in that it focuses on larger philosophical questions and not the specific problems that haunt modern life: abortion (we’re in favor as long as the fetus consents), gay marriage (to those opposed we ask: in what way is marriage not gay?), and of course gun control. Here we present the two sides of the gun control debate; choose for yourselves!

Anti Gun
Guns are just inherently evil, in the same way that cartoon cats and Donald Trump are evil. Also, guns kill people. Well, people help, but really the guns are whispering to them “kill…it’ll be fun, and then we can have ice cream!” and who can resist that? Plus, the Second Amendment which says that blah blah blah the right to bear arms (do you know that zany bumper sticker that says “the right to arm bears”? that’s hilarious…) really only applies to militias, unless you’re forming a militia, then it’s just stupid and ignore it, ok? Finally, won’t someone think about the children? Excuse me, I have to report back to my Communist masters now.

Pro Gun
Not only do we have the right to own fully automatic weapons and futuristic death rays, we have the right to drive on the sidewalk and litter and eat lots of cholesterol, and you faggy do-gooders can’t stop us because God essentially said “hey, get some shotguns and kill anyone who’s on your property!” (Deuteronomy 23:1, roughly translated). Also, after a hard day sending all our jobs overseas to child slave labor camps in Cambodia or Paris or some shit, who doesn’t need to unwind by blowing up Pepsi cans with an AK-47 and some C-4 plastic explosive? Really, who?

More Items from the English/Latverian Phrase Book

Friday, January 11th, 2008

7. Asking directions

-Which way to enlightened self-awareness?
-Through the love of others, if the ancients are not unreliable.
-Such matters are cloudy, but your form is voluptuous.
-I thank you for the compliment by consenting to amorous activity.
-I have been misunderstood, but am glad for it!

8. Emergency Assistance

-I require aid! My person has been approached undesirably!
-Do you prefer a legal or a medical remedy?
-What is the cost differential?
-It is a package deal.

9. Flirting!

-Your local haberdasheries reek of herring.
-Thank you, I find your diction exotic, and what is exotic arouses.
-This is true. Studies have verified it.
-I propose we commence acts preparatory to lovemaking.
-You have my concurrence.

10. Dieting:

-I’d like to enjoy your national cuisine without risk of infection or obesity.
-I can only vouch for the former; we are a large people, but happy.
-Nonetheless, do you have offerings for those fleeing corpulence?
-Such concerns are Western, I assure you. Here, amplitude of flesh signifies liberality of spirit.

11. At the fishmongers

-Do you have any anchovies?
-My regret is absolute: our anchovies have been tarnished.
-Then it is best that their ingestion remain unrealized.

Jokes For Modern Humans

Friday, January 11th, 2008

Most jokes are written for pre-modern humans, and focus on things like stone-flinting and the preparation of bear meat. With that in mind, we at Spoonbot thought it time to do some modern joke-writing, so that those who will come after us may find humor, and warmth. Here, then, is our first joke:

A Limited Number of Parachutes

A priest, a rabbi, and a member of some hated profession like, say, Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee, are on an airplane. The pilot enters the passenger section and tells them that the plane is going down, and that there is only one parachute. He returns to the cockpit in order to die with his craft, and to attempt to steer it to an unpopulated area.

The priest says, “All my life, I have hoped to meet my creator, the Lord Jesus Christ. If, now, I should die by sacrificing myself that others may live, I would assure my place before him in heaven. Please, then, my brothers, take this parachute and think of me as you live on.”

The rabbi replies, “My friends, I have tried to live an exemplary life, that my congregation would have a model of goodness. If my last act were to be one of giving all I can give, my very life, so that others may go on and prosper, no greater act could I show in order to inspire. Please, take the parachute, and tell my family and my people what I have done for you.”

The member of some hated profession (in this instance the Chairman of the House Ways and Means Committee) then says, “According to House Rule HR-47/R, in any joke involving a priest, a rabbi, a member of some hated profession, a plane that is going to crash, and a limited number of parachutes, the member of the hated profession is supposed to demand the parachute, then mistakenly grab a backpack, jump out of the plane saying, “so long suckers,” and fall to his death.” He then searches for a backpack, and, not finding one, decides that the priest’s extreme unction kit will work just as well, grabs it, jumps out of the airplane saying, “so long, suckers!” searches for the ripcord, fails to find it, and then screams and plunges to his death.

Just then the pilot returns to the cockpit and announces that they won’t be crashing after all, as it was merely a minor engine glitch, which has been repaired. Overjoyed, they fly to one of those tiny island nations where the love between two men is not only tolerated, but sometimes even celebrated.

Bestiary for the New World

Tuesday, January 8th, 2008

Most bestiaries come from Europe, which, according to this wire story, is a wimpy place full of carrot-eaters who wouldn’t know an extreme sport if it rolled up on mag wheels and shot fire from its exhaust right into their faces.

So, here begins some entries for the New World Bestiary, soon to be a major motion topiary:

1. The Flightless Dolphin

Like the large flightless birds that became extinct during the post-ice age period, flightless dolphins are easily ridiculed and have low self-esteem. Nonetheless, their inability to fly does not preclude them from having rewarding interactions with humans who throw perch at them, or from swimming. Most flightless dolphins have adopted an aquatic existence, paradoxically living “in” the water while never really feeling themselves to be part of the whole fish crowd. The flightless dolphin is nonetheless fully able to desalinate and respire, and some have even been seen cavorting.
flightless dolphin

2. The Googolcorn

The googolcorn is like a unicorn, only with a lot more corns. I mean “horns,” because that’s what “corn” means. I encountered the googolcorn when Dr. Shulgin and I were preparing for our midterm exams with the Balaban peoples of the Amazon rainforest basin, a very primitive peoples who nonetheless hold midterm exams. While walking through a marshy section of the lower Xingu which was said by the Balaban to house the bodies of all those killed by indifference, Dr. Shulgin and I stripped the bark from an Acacia, and then infused it in methanol for 48 hours. During this time we played whist. At the end of the 48 hours the methanol was removed by using a fractioning column, a condenser, and a saucepan that Dr. Shulgin’s mother had sold him. We reintroduced the methanol to the bark, and re-extracted, repeating the process until a stripping of the methanol produced a resinous brown agulate. To this agulate was added aqueous HCl (20 ml 10M, but well diluted), and a congealate was extracted and basified with NaOH (which I regret.) From this an aqueous residiferous paste was discalced, and then reshod with CH2Cl2, after which it was allowed to crystallize overnight. Again, Dr. Shulgin and I played whist, with myself talking the vast majority of tricks. We then removed the crystals, placed them in our meerschaum pipes, and smoked them vigorously. Dr. Shulgin went first, and he immediately began rolling on the ground telling me that he was “at the place” and that I’d “know” when I “cheated” him. I then inhaled the rich, aromous vapors from the pipe, and found that my cognation was severely enhanced, and my perceptual apparati now capable of perceiving into the ultra-and infra-visual sequences. After thirty minutes I “awoke” (I had never actually been “asleep”) and found that Dr. Shulgin and I were embracing, which was pleasant. As we staggered to our feet the googolcorn passed by briefly and, I believe (though Dr. Shulgin’s version is different) that it said something in English. Shulgin says it was not English, but we agree that it was something to the extent of “don’t do that.” Further study is warranted.