1. A Decent Cup of Coffee
2. Just One Minute Of Peace
3. Knowledge of the External World

As a Christian American, I was worried when I read that American children were ranked 417th in the world in science education, behind even such extinct peoples as the Mayans and the Iraqis. To rectify this, I’m starting a series of Science Stories to teach children about the wonders of the scientific world. Here’s story #1:

Science Story #1!: Jesus and the Neanderthals

One day, Jesus was out riding on his dinosaur when he saw a group of neanderthal people fighting against some giant lesbians. “Bless you!” said Jesus, even though no one had sneezed.

He dismounted his dinosaur and went to aid the good neanderthals, but when they saw him they were afraid, and hid themselves in their cave-dwelling.

“Be not afraid!” said Jesus, “I come to bring good cheer!” He waved his magic sword and all the neanderthals transformed into modern humans, and were from then on able to live in traditional families, with a mother who stayed home to tend the hearth, or, if need be, ran for elected office, a father who worked in a masculine profession, and children who were good and chaste, in keeping with Jesus’s moral code.

This transformation of the neanderthals into white people was one of Jesus’s greatest miracles, but he did not tell anyone of it, and there was no newspaper at the time brave enough to tell the story!

Luckily, Scientists came along and found the bones of the neanderthal races, and saw that at some point they transformed into the bones of good people, and the scientists realized that Jesus must have “evolved” the neanderthals so that they could attend church. So the next time someone tells you that science isn’t good for anything, tell them, “that’s not what Jesus would say!”

-Hello, you’ve reached the Philosophy dept.
-Yes, I need to speak to a doctor of philosophy.
-Umm…which professor would you like to speak with?
-I just need a doctor of philosophy. I’m having a terrible Gettier problem.
-I’m sorry?
-I’m having a terrible Gettier problem. I think it could be serious.
-I’m sorry, I don’t understand…
-Look, I have good reason to believe that Jones owns a Ford, I mean, I’ve known him to own Fords for years, and today I saw him in a Ford. And as a result I’ve deduced that Jones owns a Ford or Smith is in Barcelona. Now I have no reason to believe that Smith is in Barcelona…
-Sir, perhaps you should call back later.
-But listen, Smith is in Barcelona! And Jones doesn’t own a Ford!
-I…uh…
-Right, you’re thinking “But he saw Jones in a Ford today!”
-No, actually I…
-But the weird thing is it was a borrowed Ford and Jones doesn’t currently own a Ford!
-Sir, I…
-Yeah, it’s terrifying isn’t it!
-I’m going to hang up now…
-Wait! Wait! My belief is both true and justified! You have to listen to me!!!