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Archive for November, 2007

Is It Vegan?

Sunday, November 18th, 2007

Try to figure out if the following things are vegan or not:

1. Borrowing money from a lemur.

2. Helping a Republican to feel good about himself.

3. Eating Cheetos without permission.

4. Masturbating while thinking of a lion.

(answers: 1. No!; 2. No!; 3. Only during wartime; 4. Depends on which hand you use.)

Why Don’t More Numbers Have Names?

Sunday, November 18th, 2007

Some years ago, The Numbers Committee noted that not enough numbers had fun nicknames. Other than “a couple,” “a dozen” and “a baker’s dozen,” most numbers were stuck with names like “sixteen” or “forty.”

Here then are the efforts of the committee to name every known number:

-13: A Greek Fortnight
0: An Irish Dozen
1: The Big Boner Number
2: A Couple
3: Airtight
Pi: Guy
4: Condoleeza
5: An Australian Double Date
6: Stan, or “the dude”
7: An Agent’s Dozen
8 : Double Nugget
9: The Big Wave
10: The Beer Can (when you receive a blank stare upon using this, follow it up with “you know, the flip top…”)
11: A Swiss Dozen

And the rest of the numbers…

Your Choice Reveals Your Personality

Saturday, November 17th, 2007

Would you rather be an antelope who flosses every day and believes in God, or a water buffalo who dropped out of college because he thought he knew better than his teachers, but now he’s a meth addict?

If you chose the water buffalo, you were correct! There is no God.

Galaga: The Motion Picture

Friday, November 9th, 2007

The first in a series of motion picture scripts, available exclusively here at Spoonbot:

Scene: American Military Headquarters. A large, sterile room dominated by an enormous television screen. The room is full of nervous looking military bureaucrats, who stare anxiously at the screen.

Camera zooms in on General Steele, gray-haired but strong-shouldered embodiment of military might. He turns as the door to his right opens.

Pan to:

Lt. Colonel Liza Warrior entering the scene. Lt. Col. Warrior is to be played by a woman whose breasts express military discipline, but also a come-hither sensuality. Her top button should be unbuttoned, revealing just the outer rim of her areolas.

Lt. Col. Warrior: We’ve just received news…the enemy is moving in very tight formation…towards earth itself!

Click here for the rest of the script!

Cliff Notes to the Cliff Notes

Friday, November 9th, 2007

Remembrance of Things Past: A man eats a cookie and remembers a lot of stuff.

Crime and Punishment: A guy with a leather couch does something he regrets.

The Bible: An angry god mellows out when, late in life, he has a kid.

Lolita: A widower takes his stepdaughter for a very long car ride.

Five Haikus for the Final Season of Laverne and Shirley

Thursday, November 8th, 2007

The final season found the show moved to Burbank, and Cindy Williams departing from the cast. It was a time of reflection, reappraisal, and growth.

Why has Shirley left?
What does the show’s title mean?
O Carmine! Alone…

Was too small for two such as
Laverne and Shirley.

In New York City
Carmine dances with hippies

Lenny and Squiggy:
California well suits
Your lifestyle choice.

No friend, no sidekick
Laverne, in her mid thirties
Contemplates the end.