Add to Google

Archive for August, 2008

The Future

Monday, August 25th, 2008

1. Jobs
Manufacturing jobs have already been replaced by automation, and, rapidly, service jobs are also vanishing: ATMs, voice menus, and automated check-out systems have reduced the need for bank tellers, operators and cashiers. Soon, the only jobs left will be in policing and security, and so everyone will be a police officer or security guard. Walking the streets you’ll see nothing but a sea of blue uniforms, everyone friendly, but suspicious. We’ll feel so safe!

2. Crime
As a result of the universality of policing jobs, crime rates will soar, because “the blue wall of silence” will protect everyone, regardless of what they do. Of course, with no civilian populace to prey upon, the police will have to look elsewhere for victims. They can’t prey on members of the same police department, because then they’d lose the cohesion that protects them from prosecution. So instead we’ll see large groups of rival officers from neighboring towns and cities meeting on the borderlands, fighting and dancing a la West Side Story. It will be very beautiful, and very sad.

3. Celebrity
We’ll all be paired off into groups of 200, and you won’t be allowed to learn anything about anyone not in your group. But within your group, you’ll be terribly famous, as future research will show that most people can name exactly 200 celebrities (this will be known as Wenner’s Law of 200 Celebrities.) Everyone will learn about your exploits in gossip rags and “news” programs. You can choose to be a washed-up star appearing on a celebrity exploitation show, or a young rising star, embroiled in a sex-tape scandal, or politically aware star, exhorting your fellow stars to give up fur and oatmeal and such.

4. Politics
Since everyone will be a celebrity, no one will be able to run for office, because no one will vote for a celebrity. So elected offices will go vacant, and the government will be run by low-level bureaucrats. As a result, government efficiency will increase 1000% because the wavering, emotion-driven concerns of the electorate will be set aside in favor of rational, careful, and responsible administration. After a few years, the world will be divided into the intellectual “ruling class” and the appetite-driven “celebrity/policing” class, but only the ruling class will know this, because it won’t be reported in People magazine.

Rules that Jesus Made Up

Sunday, August 24th, 2008

1. Don’t do anything on Sunday. Nothing. You do something on Sunday, and I’ll fucking kill you.

2. Don’t put your mouth on a pussy. That’s nasty.

3. Or a cock.

4. Sculpture is totally wrong. Don’t buy any sculptures from anyone ever. If you make a sculpture, if you buy a sculpture, if you look at a sculpture, I will fucking kill you.

5. Don’t say my name when you’re mad or anything. I’m all, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” Seriously. Don’t fucking say my name.

6. Like, if your neighbor has an ox? Don’t want it. Just, just don’t want that ox. I don’t care if you think it’s totally the best ox, if you want it, you’re fucked. Do not. Want. The ox!

7. If you’re a dude, and your beard is all scraggly, and you trim your beard? Yeah, I’ll fuck you.

8. If I tell you to kill somebody, like, say, your brother or your son? Totally kill them. I’m not saying what’ll happen to you if you don’t, but, it’d be like a really good idea if, like, I say, “kill that dude,” for you to kill that dude. Right away, even.

9. Like, all the stuff you own? Totally give that away. Seriously. It’s cool. Just, just like, give it all away. Yep.

10. Don’t hang around with Ammonites. Or Moabites. Or the kid of an Ammonite or Moabite. Or, hell, their kid’s kids or their kid’s kid’s kids or whatever. Basically, you know someone who’s, like, 1/512th Ammonite? Totally don’t hang around him. Moabite neither.

11. If someone kicks you really hard in the nuts, don’t go to church. I mean, wait until your nuts are better. If they never get better? Just don’t ever go to church again.

12. If you’re camping, and you have that dream where that cute girl who lives next door comes over wearing nothing but cowboy boots, and then you wake up and you’re all, “whoa!” and you’ve got that little wet spot, you know what I’m talking about, in your underpants? You have to leave the campsite. I don’t know why, exactly, but just get out of the campsite, and don’t come back until the next night, but, dude! Take a shower first.

References: 1: Exodus 20:8-11; 2 + 3: That’s what the priest told me but then he touched me in a wrong way; 4: Exodus 20:4-5; 5: Exodus 20:7; 6:Exodus 20:17; 7:Leviticus 19:27; 8:Exodus 32:26-29; 9:Mark 10:21; 10:Deuteronomy 23:3; 11:Deuteronomy 23:1; 12:Deuteronomy 23:10-11

Top Five Things That Aren’t Made Out Of Matter

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

1. Space
2. Communism
3. God
4. 1977
5. The pride South Dakotans feel at having Mount Rushmore in their state.

On-line Poll

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

1. What do you like best about the sky?

2. What, in your opinion, is the square root of pi?

3. Is that a new dress? Because it looks fabulous. No, really, it looks just great on you. Just great.

4. You know how sometimes people say they’re going to do something, and then they don’t do it, and they’re all, “whatever,” and you’re all, “ok,” but really it hurts inside? I mean, do you know what I’m talking about?

5. Is that a proposal to balance the budget on the backs of the poor, or are you just happy to see me?

6. Do airplanes have babies?

Titles Rejected Before Andrew Lloyd Weber Settled On “Jesus Christ Superstar”

Sunday, August 3rd, 2008

Jesus Christ Supercomputer
Jesus Christ Supermodel
Jesus Christ, Supervisor
Jesus Christ Superbowl
Jesus Christ Superconducting Supercollider
Jesus Christ Superego
Jesus Christ Superfund
Jesus Christ Superheavyweight
Jesus Christ Superhighway
Jesus Christ Superintendent
Jesus Christ Supermarket

More Cliff Notes to the Cliff Notes

Friday, August 1st, 2008

Lord of the Rings: An old man asks a eight people of varying heights to help him return some jewelry.

Odyssey: On his way home from work, a man gets terribly, terribly lost.

Paradise Lost: An angry man who lives in the sky goes overboard in dealing with competitors.

Oedipus the King: A long-lost boy comes home to his parents, with mixed results.

The Scarlet Letter: Iron-on lettering is invented prematurely, and with unfortunate consequences.

Rhinoceros: A fad gets out of hand.

Waiting for Godot: Two men have radishes for lunch.

Candide: An effort to look on the bright side meets some difficulties.

Lord of the Flies: A fat kid has trouble fitting in.

Antigone: A disagreement about funeral arrangements leads a new king to make some bad choices.