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Archive for May, 2008

Haikus For Barney Miller

Friday, May 23rd, 2008

Cycle 1: Barney’s Lament:

Wojo, Wojo, Whoa!
Whoa! Wojo, Wojo, Wojo!
Wojo, Oh, Wojo!

Cycle 2: Dietrich Knows:

This man speaks a tongue
No one understands? Dietrich
Knows. Dietrich can help.

This man has a bomb
It’s nuclear-atomic?
Let’s just ask Dietrich

O boy. Another one.
A riddle. A mystery.
A job for Dietrich.

Dietrich, why is it
You know everything except
That this is Fish’s desk.

Coming soon: Officer Carl Levitt and the Dream of Adequacy

Things That Very Few People Are Afraid Of

Tuesday, May 20th, 2008

The English system of weights and measures
People of roughly medium build
4:15 pm on any given Thursday
A glass of water
That vague sense of satisfaction obtained by opening a sticky jar-lid

Rejected Titles

Sunday, May 18th, 2008

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being
No Country For Bald Men
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Douchebag
Brave New Squirrels
The Sound and the Furries
There Will Be Fudd (an Elmer Fudd motion picture experience)
Harold And The Big Purple Cock
(More here)

Argumentum Ad Awesomeness

Saturday, May 17th, 2008

While Aristotle’s “proof” that not (A and not-A) has survived for over 2,000 years, it now seems that there is even stronger proof that he is wrong. I thus present the Argumentum Ad Awesomeness:

1. Q
2. ~Q
3. Q or P (1, by addition, and where P is something awesome, like “I get super skateboard powers” or “girls like me.”)
4. P (by 3, 2, Disjunctive Syllogism)

Thus, if (Q and ~Q), then something awesome, so (Q and ~Q), Q.E.D.

Things I Did In Spite Of The Liberals

Sunday, May 11th, 2008

1. Defeat Hitler. I remember how my liberal Democrat friends were all, “o no, don’t defeat Hitler! You should appease him! He probably has a legitimate grievance caused by American cultural imperialism.” And I was all, “fuck that, I’m defeating Hitler.” They can whine about it in their Gender and Sexuality graduate programs, but that’s just how I play it. I. Defeat. Hitler.

2. Develop A Strong And Healthy Economy. I thought it would be a good idea to create a burgeoning economy that benefited the American worker. Of course, my “liberal” friends thought I’d be better off stifling all growth and creativity in the marketplace. They were all, “let’s not be hasty with the burgeoning economy! What if something goes wrong! I’m scared! Hold me!” Sorry, no time to “hold” you. I have to promote industry and personal responsibility.

3. Reduce Crime. Hey, why not reduce the amount of violent crime in our inner cities, I said. “O no,” said the liberal Democrats, “that would show grotesque racism and classism. Instead, let’s promote crime by handing out free pornography and destroying the family and taking away people’s gun rights and dignity! Then the world would be a utopia!” I have an idea: Why don’t you liberals create vast, tax-payer supported academic wastelands where we can safely sequester you while you “theorize” about your “utopian” experiments. Meanwhile, like all true men of faith and conservative values, instead of “thinking,” I will act. Watch out criminals. I am coming.

The Douchebag With A Thousand Faces

Thursday, May 1st, 2008

Pursuant to my reading of Joseph Campbell I present my new Mythic Cycle, of which the following is a brief excerpt from the first volume:

. . . . . The Eternal Douchebag

Volume 1: The Age Of Might And Magic

It was a time of shadows and fear, a time of swords and sinew, a time when strange forces ruled the land. In this age, some men cowered near the hearth, others strapped on weapons and faced certain death, and others still experimented with dark arts, and unleashed powers unknowable. And in this time rose a warrior, an orphan, a former slave, a gladiator, and a man who would one day be king. And while he roamed the lands in search of glory, I fucked his girlfriend.