1. Defeat Hitler. I remember how my liberal Democrat friends were all, “o no, don’t defeat Hitler! You should appease him! He probably has a legitimate grievance caused by American cultural imperialism.” And I was all, “fuck that, I’m defeating Hitler.” They can whine about it in their Gender and Sexuality graduate programs, but that’s just how I play it. I. Defeat. Hitler.
2. Develop A Strong And Healthy Economy. I thought it would be a good idea to create a burgeoning economy that benefited the American worker. Of course, my “liberal” friends thought I’d be better off stifling all growth and creativity in the marketplace. They were all, “let’s not be hasty with the burgeoning economy! What if something goes wrong! I’m scared! Hold me!” Sorry, no time to “hold” you. I have to promote industry and personal responsibility.
3. Reduce Crime. Hey, why not reduce the amount of violent crime in our inner cities, I said. “O no,” said the liberal Democrats, “that would show grotesque racism and classism. Instead, let’s promote crime by handing out free pornography and destroying the family and taking away people’s gun rights and dignity! Then the world would be a utopia!” I have an idea: Why don’t you liberals create vast, tax-payer supported academic wastelands where we can safely sequester you while you “theorize” about your “utopian” experiments. Meanwhile, like all true men of faith and conservative values, instead of “thinking,” I will act. Watch out criminals. I am coming.
