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Archive for January, 2012

How The Candidates Got Their Powers:

Thursday, January 19th, 2012

Mitt Romney: bitten by a radioactive JC Penny men’s wear mannequin.
Newt Gingrich: a lightning bolt struck his laboratory and splashed experimental douche formula on him
Rick Santorum: While getting blown in a men’s room at a New Jersey, Turnpike rest stop, he heard that Muslims had been given the right to enter public libraries. Horrified, he turned away from his life of debauchery and dedicated himself to fighting against reason and common sense.
Ron Paul: after Union forces freed his slaves, he took up arms against a government that would prevent a man from whipping his own property while allowing a woman the ungodly right to control her own health care decisions.
Rick Perry: The Guardians of Hairsalona chose him to be their champion on earth, melding his body with a living, symbiotic toupee which, though it limits his ability to speak coherently, grants him strange powers of luck and homophobia.