The crowds at Trump’s inauguration were the biggest ever.
Jet fuel can’t melt ice cream.
Trees are just really slow-moving postal workers.
The world is hollow and I have touched the sky.
It’s always 4:15 somewhere.
Elmo is like that because of mercury in vaccines.
Underpants are sentient.
A water-fueled car was invented in the 1930s but General Motors destroyed it by using a Cosmic Cube to rewrite history.
The pope is actually an immortal, single-celled organism.
Prior to 1945 it was illegal to advertise for a plumber if you intended to use him to assassinate the president.
The crowds at Trump’s inauguration were the biggest ever.
George Washington and the Beach Garbage Gang
By Calpurnia Blinderwilf
Jenny’s Lonely Menstruation Vacation
By Richard C. Patrick III
The Masters of Boogertown
By Entreaty Wildmeat
Pipi Pantaloons and the Marginal Tax Rate Monster
By Rapella Infibulatora
Flembert, Master of Flembing!
By Hampurtia al Bonko
The Fishmonger Friends Meet The Laugh Buddies’ Happy Blood Buddy Pals
By Embrazada Turfmilfer
Johnny Terwilleger’s Christian Struggles #3: Johnny and the Menacing Negresses
By Adashe ben Motumbe
The Island of Vestigial Children
By Cadmisha Gruntinghorse
The Secret World of Adult Loving
By Ahmed Shimmelstein-Yamasuko
Date Knight 2: Guinevere, and the Premature Swordsman
By Priscilla Whimpersoul
The Cat in the Hat Is a Gender Essentialist
By Dr. Phloogz
by Nordstrom Evermeat
No God But Bubba
by The Institute For Interracial Medicine
The Plastic Lemon Event
by Venezuela Latte Jr.
That Is Not A Penis
by Abigail Pendersmorgue
The Seventh Nostril
by Tisha Lipiform Antidote
A Phillips Head For Emily
by Agnesia Americana
Love In The Time Of Bandanas
by Mendacity Feverstorm
That VolksWagen Feeling In America’s Death Camps
by Heinrich Overbight
Monkleave and Eldersmith’s Decathalon For Colonialism
by M’w’tumb’e Smith
by Cal Puckers
The Winds of Kmart
by Madison Kerbknight
Our Salad Dogs
by Rafael and Julio Nguyen
The Unheard Corgi
by The NFL Rules Committee
Asparagus Gangbang Problems
by Tomorrow J. Goebbels
Ironing Out The Kringles
by Trorg “Bunny” Punthomo
Flippant Were The Carrot Flowers
by Lipfield D. Standish
The Particle Accelerator Pals
by Buzzy Simplemass
Keisha’s First Embolism
by Anderson Paul Federalist III
Ain’t No Monday High Enough
by Master Honda
Drugs For Victoria
by Analgesica Magnesium
by Phinweather Dampbush
1. The time My Little Pony killed Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
2. The opera “Rigoletto.”
3. Topanga discovering her womanhood with a Care Bear.
4. When Mufasa and Simba killed and ate a gazelle as it was pleading for its life.
5. The time their Tamagotchi’s told them that “Freedom is to ask nothing, to expect nothing, to depend on nothing.”
6. When they found out that Mary Kate and Ashley Olson were time-displaced versions of the same 7-dimensional elder god.
7. Floppy disks!
8. School shootings that used *semi*automatic weapons.
9. Michael Jordan winning the World Pog-Eating Championship.
10. The death of God.
Karl Marx’s D&D character was a half-orc anti-Paladin named “Lord Evilbutt.” He attained level 15 before switching classes and becoming a Song Wizard and joining a group of Elvish troubadours.
Immanuel Kant smoked eleven herring a day.
David Lewis once swam across the English Channel while carrying a box of Pokemon cards. He nearly made it, but as he approached the shores of Normandy a wave crashed over his head and ruined a Charmander, a Pikachu, and a rare foil-backed Charizard.
Jean Paul Sartre died a virgin.
Epicurus was known to carry dead cockatiels with him, and to give them to his followers for gifts upon their becoming aware of the location of all of their underpants.
Martha Nussbaum has never made her own bed. She believes it is made each morning by spirit-elves, and she finds it perfectly turned down each evening when she returns from her crepuscular shot-putting appointment.
Thales discovered feelings, but not the feelings we have today. Different feelings, mostly directed at footwear and low-cost hosiery.
Judith Jarvis Thompson has eaten poison mushrooms every day for the last 4000 years, and believes that these account for her inability to die.
Susan Haack owns a mutant half-rotweiler/half-libertarian which she keeps in a glowing igloo made of Legos.
Daniel Dennett is 50% cocoa by weight ( but not volume.)
David Chalmers once went 40 days and 40 nights without smoking any really good bud.
Leibniz was incapable of sneezing and farting at the same time, and thus earned the nickname “the old church-man.”
Plato’s left foot was a walrus.
1. “Our Friend The Porpoise,” by Rene Descartes
2. “The Sword in the Stoner: How I Murdered Hippies,” by John F. Kennedy
3. “Tommy’s Boner Feeling Day,” by Marcel Proust
4. “Eskimo Of Intrigue, Eskimo of Love,” by Margaret Thatcher
5. “Why I Eat Glue,” by The United Nations Council on Human Rights
6. “The Underpantagoras,” by Plato
7. “Jesus Has Herpes,” by St. Theresa of Avila
8. “Mr. Zippy-doodle’s Year of Good Bowel Events and Other Stories,” by Joan Didion
9. “Our Friend Rene Descartes,” by a porpoise
10. “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville
Q: Is it bad to look at fuzzy thing?
A: Is fuzzy thing running four-legged happy? You eat fuzzy thing? Maybe ask fuzzy thing about feeling about looking.
Q: Given that in three complex dimensions a Calabi-Yau manifold can be expressed as a non-singular quantic threefold in CP4 and that such manifolds do satisfy the requirements for higher dimensional spaces that include compactified dimensions, why is there so much sadness in the world?
A: There are some things that only God knows, like how to make a stick. How do you make a stick? No one knows. They’re magic.
Q: My mom and my best friend went on a date and I didn’t get to come because The Bachelorette was on and I can’t just DVR it and watch it later because so many spoilers on Twitter. Should I make them do it again? I have an assault rifle but I’m afraid of love.
A: Once, five blind men approached an elephant. Holding its trunk, the first said, “this is gross.” They all walked away, and were therefore not killed when the elephant took too much LSD and had a bad trip wherein it thought it was happy but was really just eating humans. File down the firing pin on the “assault rifle” if you know what’s good for you.
Glorp 2: The Blurgeoning
Timmy! Timmy! Timmy!
Puppy of Pooping, Puppy of Love
Mr. Magical’s Phantasmagorical Suitcase Bombatorium
In The Company of Strange Ears
The Unbearable Lightness of Santa Claus
How The West Was Vilified
Rabbi Goldberg and the Pixelated Pixies of Goober Town
Samsung: The Motion Picture
1. Do everything in chronological order.
2. Be more nasty and brutish, less short.
3. No more responding when Oprah Winfrey texts me a dick pic.
4. Use every part of the buffalo.
Chapter 7: Copulating with Earth Persons
Section A: Pre-copulatory rituals
Many humans enjoy conversation prior to copulation. Not infrequently, humans will discuss the early part of their lives. Young humans have basically the same form as adult humans, and do not pupate or metamorphosize, though they do not express certain secondary sexual characteristics until their 13th or 14th solar cycle (see appendix A, “Tits”). Unlike most galactic intelligences, humans are generally not pod-raised, but spend an extended pre-adult phase in the company of their immediate genetic predecessors. They refer to this period as “childhood,” and it is important to note that, though they discuss this period in pre-copulative rituals, they paradoxically think of childhood as a time of absolute sexual taboo. Thus, you should not compliment their childhood activities in sexual terms, nor should you directly state that hearing about such a period in the human’s life increases your desire to copulate with the human, though it is often acceptable to indicate this by non-verbal means.
Do not copulate with humans who are protesting; this is not a part of their mating ritual, and must be respected. Humans who seek to copulate will occasionally ingest toxins prior to copulation, including such hepato-toxins as ethyl alcohol. Ingesting these toxins is not an indication that the humans wish to die and be eaten by their sexual partner after copulation. Humans refer to this poison-taking ritual as “having a drink,” and may encourage you to participate: if you are methane-based do not accept, as you will likely combust.
Humans generally begin copulation by pressing their mouth parts together. This does not mean that the human wishes you to chew off the soft parts of his her or face. Humans do not consume each other’s body parts during the sexual act (for an exception to this, see appendix F, “Should I Swallow It?”)
Although the pressing together of the mouth parts is a standard pre-copulatory ritual, it should be noted that this activity is also used to indicate greetings and farewells, and considerable time in cultural studies is needed to distinguish the different meanings of the mouth-pressings. Do not mistake a greeting or farewell mouth-pressing for a pre-copulatory mouth-pressing. (See diplomatic missive 556 for details on the difficulties faced by Consul Kkkrrrmmnn after his mistake in this matter.)
B. Copulating, finding and identifying human genitalia, dangers.
Note that humans’ genitals are not on their faces. Do not attempt to copulate with their ocular organs, as humans find this painful and offensive.
Notably, the human digestive system has two major orifices; the mouth part is located at the opposite end of the torso from the waste excretion orifice. Do not confuse these two orifices! Humans have never had a cloacal stage and are conceptually committed to a segregation of their orifices.
Upon uncovering of the genitals, note the following: Humans have only two distinct sexes. As such, humans are used to copulating with a single partner at a time. Do not suggest that your brood-mates join in the copulatory process, unless the human has expressed interest in galactic standard six-way copulatory practices.
In the event that copulation begins, be careful of the following: the human genitals are located in extremely close proximity to the human excretory orifice. Do not mistake these body parts. Do not place your ovipositor into either of these orifices. Do not, under any circumstances, lay eggs inside the human’s orifices. If you accidentally lay eggs inside a human orifice, use your beak to gently but rapidly remove the eggs before they implant.
Depending on which of the six common genital types you have, and which of the two standard genital types the human has, you should either envelop, penetrate, lave, siphon, receive, buff, electro-stimulate, or defrost the humans genital area with your own. Do not apply temperatures greater than 317 Kelvin to the human’s genitals, unless specifically asked to do so. Do not strangle, exsanguinate, or sever the human’s genitals. Humans are incapable of regrowing most organs (for exceptions see appendix Q: “Liver-fucking.”)
Humans complete copulation with a strong set of neural impulses, muscular contractions, and, in the case of one type of human genital structure, the emission of a highly biologically active fluid containing sugars, protein, and several million haploid gametes. These gametes are generally edible, though that is not considered their central purpose. Depending on the specific human culture it may be considered either impolite, or complimentary, to consume the gametes. If in doubt, ask. (For a detailed discussion, see appendix F.)
C. Post-copulatory rituals
After copulation humans may wish to continue physical contact, to enter an otiose state of semi- or non-consciousness, to ingest hot gases from a flaming tube of dried leaves (see appendix G: human intoxicants: tobacco), to discuss their current emotional state (humans have a rich vocabulary of emotional terms; those species that can only experience fear, rage and lust should attempt to be patient during these disquisitions), or to engage in extended narrative about previous life experiences, especially those occurring prior to their sexual maturation. It is important to follow humans in these rituals, or at the very least not to immediately enter a cocoon and begin pupating, as this can be taken as a sign of disrespect.