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I work for Donald Trump, but like-minded colleagues and I have vowed to thwart his worst impulses.

September 7th, 2018

By Anonymous Collaborator

The dilemma, which Trump does not grasp, is that many of the senior racists in his cadre of profit-driven criminals and demagogue-exploiting corporate plants are working diligently from within to frustrate parts of his agenda and worst inclinations. I would know. I am one of them.

To be clear, ours is not the popular “resistance” of the crowd that cares what happen to our planet, its people, or the basic moral structure of society. We want the orgy of profit-taking to succeed and think many of our best scams have already made America more dangerous and less welcoming.

But we believe our first duty is to our future in public office and, of course, our book deals, and Trump continues to act in a manner detrimental to our coming financial prosperity after we inevitably deny our criminal actions and try to get speaking gigs and positions at think tanks.

That is why Trump appointees have vowed to do what we can to preserve our possible post-incarceration careers while thwarting his less commercially viable impulses.

The root of the problem is Trump’s refusal to put optics before raping the country and lining our pockets. Anyone who works with him knows he’s not moored to any discernible PR plan that guides his decision making, and it’s really gonna be hard for us later when we have to explain how we backed the guy who said Nazis are “good people.”

Although he was elected as a Republican, the president has shown perhaps too much undisguised affinity for ideals long espoused by the right: hatred of the poor, racism, lack of concern for a coming environmental catastrophe, unfunded tax cuts, and an interest in letting people die from easily treatable illnesses. He sometimes forgets that the Republican party is also the party of letting anyone with deep pockets and no interest in the public good tell us what to do, and then not calling them out on it when we have pissy-pants hissy fits.

Of course, there are bright spots that the near-ceaseless negative coverage of the administration fails to capture: we’ve eliminated a shocking number of basic regulations that protect your health and safety, we succeeded, at least for a little while, in setting up concentration camps, and we’ve wasted more money on pointless military expenditures than any administration in history, including the cold-war chicken hawks and their military-industrial complex masters.

The president’s erratic behavior, though, threatens our gerrymandered hold on all branches of government, and even with our active efforts to disenfranchise black people, we now risk losing our immorally acquired control of the U.S. legislature.

But this erratic behavior would be more concerning if it weren’t for unsung heroes in and around the White House. Some of his aides have been cast as villains by the media. But in private, they have gone to great lengths to make sure that U.S. citizens of Mexican descent are denied passports, that our public lands are sold off at fire-sale prices, and that our standing around the world has fallen to its lowest level in history.

I’d like to close by saying, disingenuously, that it’s not Trump’s fault, but that “we as a nation” have allowed him to do this, which is really a load since he was elected by a corrupt system which gives far too much power to smaller, whiter states, and he is being propped up not by the American people but by Republicans like myself who just want to keep him in office until we’ve completely stacked the courts.

Thank you, and God bless America!

Best Alternative Facts

January 23rd, 2017

The crowds at Trump’s inauguration were the biggest ever.
Jet fuel can’t melt ice cream.
Trees are just really slow-moving postal workers.
The world is hollow and I have touched the sky.
It’s always 4:15 somewhere.
Elmo is like that because of mercury in vaccines.
Underpants are sentient.
A water-fueled car was invented in the 1930s but General Motors destroyed it by using a Cosmic Cube to rewrite history.
The pope is actually an immortal, single-celled organism.
Prior to 1945 it was illegal to advertise for a plumber if you intended to use him to assassinate the president.

Best Children’s/Young Adult Books of 2016

January 18th, 2017

George Washington and the Beach Garbage Gang
By Calpurnia Blinderwilf

Jenny’s Lonely Menstruation Vacation
By Richard C. Patrick III

The Masters of Boogertown
By Entreaty Wildmeat

Pipi Pantaloons and the Marginal Tax Rate Monster
By Rapella Infibulatora

Flembert, Master of Flembing!
By Hampurtia al Bonko

The Fishmonger Friends Meet The Laugh Buddies’ Happy Blood Buddy Pals
By Embrazada Turfmilfer

Johnny Terwilleger’s Christian Struggles #3: Johnny and the Menacing Negresses
By Adashe ben Motumbe

The Island of Vestigial Children
By Cadmisha Gruntinghorse

The Secret World of Adult Loving
By Ahmed Shimmelstein-Yamasuko

Date Knight 2: Guinevere, and the Premature Swordsman
By Priscilla Whimpersoul

The Cat in the Hat Is a Gender Essentialist
By Dr. Phloogz

Best Books of 2016 : Fiction and Non-Fiction

January 18th, 2017

Arizona Loving
by Nordstrom Evermeat

No God But Bubba
by The Institute For Interracial Medicine

The Plastic Lemon Event
by Venezuela Latte Jr.

That Is Not A Penis
by Abigail Pendersmorgue

The Seventh Nostril
by Tisha Lipiform Antidote

A Phillips Head For Emily
by Agnesia Americana

Love In The Time Of Bandanas
by Mendacity Feverstorm

That VolksWagen Feeling In America’s Death Camps
by Heinrich Overbight

Monkleave and Eldersmith’s Decathalon For Colonialism
by M’w’tumb’e Smith

by Cal Puckers

The Winds of Kmart
by Madison Kerbknight

Our Salad Dogs
by Rafael and Julio Nguyen

The Unheard Corgi
by The NFL Rules Committee

Asparagus Gangbang Problems
by Tomorrow J. Goebbels

Ironing Out The Kringles
by Trorg “Bunny” Punthomo

Flippant Were The Carrot Flowers
by Lipfield D. Standish

The Particle Accelerator Pals
by Buzzy Simplemass

Keisha’s First Embolism
by Anderson Paul Federalist III

Ain’t No Monday High Enough
by Master Honda

Drugs For Victoria
by Analgesica Magnesium

Anal Autumn
by Phinweather Dampbush

10 things only 90s introvert Scorpio Indigo children will appreciate:

August 22nd, 2015

1. The time My Little Pony killed Jonathan Taylor Thomas.
2. The opera “Rigoletto.”
3. Topanga discovering her womanhood with a Care Bear.
4. When Mufasa and Simba killed and ate a gazelle as it was pleading for its life.
5. The time their Tamagotchi’s told them that “Freedom is to ask nothing, to expect nothing, to depend on nothing.”
6. When they found out that Mary Kate and Ashley Olson were time-displaced versions of the same 7-dimensional elder god.
7. Floppy disks!
8. School shootings that used *semi*automatic weapons.
9. Michael Jordan winning the World Pog-Eating Championship.
10. The death of God.

Little Known Facts About Famous Philosophers

October 10th, 2014

Karl Marx’s D&D character was a half-orc anti-Paladin named “Lord Evilbutt.” He attained level 15 before switching classes and becoming a Song Wizard and joining a group of Elvish troubadours.

Immanuel Kant smoked eleven herring a day.

David Lewis once swam across the English Channel while carrying a box of Pokemon cards. He nearly made it, but as he approached the shores of Normandy a wave crashed over his head and ruined a Charmander, a Pikachu, and a rare foil-backed Charizard.

Jean Paul Sartre died a virgin.

Epicurus was known to carry dead cockatiels with him, and to give them to his followers for gifts upon their becoming aware of the location of all of their underpants.

Martha Nussbaum has never made her own bed. She believes it is made each morning by spirit-elves, and she finds it perfectly turned down each evening when she returns from her crepuscular shot-putting appointment.

Thales discovered feelings, but not the feelings we have today. Different feelings, mostly directed at footwear and low-cost hosiery.

Judith Jarvis Thompson has eaten poison mushrooms every day for the last 4000 years, and believes that these account for her inability to die.

Susan Haack owns a mutant half-rotweiler/half-libertarian which she keeps in a glowing igloo made of Legos.

Daniel Dennett is 50% cocoa by weight ( but not volume.)

David Chalmers once went 40 days and 40 nights without smoking any really good bud.

Leibniz was incapable of sneezing and farting at the same time, and thus earned the nickname “the old church-man.”

Plato’s left foot was a walrus.

10 books that have stuck with me

September 15th, 2014

1. “Our Friend The Porpoise,” by Rene Descartes
2. “The Sword in the Stoner: How I Murdered Hippies,” by John F. Kennedy
3. “Tommy’s Boner Feeling Day,” by Marcel Proust
4. “Eskimo Of Intrigue, Eskimo of Love,” by Margaret Thatcher
5. “Why I Eat Glue,” by The United Nations Council on Human Rights
6. “The Underpantagoras,” by Plato
7. “Jesus Has Herpes,” by St. Theresa of Avila
8. “Mr. Zippy-doodle’s Year of Good Bowel Events and Other Stories,” by Joan Didion
9. “Our Friend Rene Descartes,” by a porpoise
10. “Moby Dick,” by Herman Melville

Advice From Internet Man Who Make Words

June 19th, 2014

vibrator side bw

Q: Is it bad to look at fuzzy thing?
A: Is fuzzy thing running four-legged happy? You eat fuzzy thing? Maybe ask fuzzy thing about feeling about looking.

Q: Given that in three complex dimensions a Calabi-Yau manifold can be expressed as a non-singular quantic threefold in CP4 and that such manifolds do satisfy the requirements for higher dimensional spaces that include compactified dimensions, why is there so much sadness in the world?
A: There are some things that only God knows, like how to make a stick. How do you make a stick? No one knows. They’re magic.

Q: My mom and my best friend went on a date and I didn’t get to come because The Bachelorette was on and I can’t just DVR it and watch it later because so many spoilers on Twitter. Should I make them do it again? I have an assault rifle but I’m afraid of love.
A: Once, five blind men approached an elephant. Holding its trunk, the first said, “this is gross.” They all walked away, and were therefore not killed when the elephant took too much LSD and had a bad trip wherein it thought it was happy but was really just eating humans. File down the firing pin on the “assault rifle” if you know what’s good for you.

Ten Best Films of The Year

January 2nd, 2014

Glorp 2: The Blurgeoning
Timmy! Timmy! Timmy!
Puppy of Pooping, Puppy of Love
Mr. Magical’s Phantasmagorical Suitcase Bombatorium
In The Company of Strange Ears
The Unbearable Lightness of Santa Claus
Citizen Kang
How The West Was Vilified
Rabbi Goldberg and the Pixelated Pixies of Goober Town
Samsung: The Motion Picture