Mitt Romney: bitten by a radioactive JC Penny men’s wear mannequin.
Newt Gingrich: a lightning bolt struck his laboratory and splashed experimental douche formula on him
Rick Santorum: While getting blown in a men’s room at a New Jersey, Turnpike rest stop, he heard that Muslims had been given the right to enter public libraries. Horrified, he turned away from his life of debauchery and dedicated himself to fighting against reason and common sense.
Ron Paul: after Union forces freed his slaves, he took up arms against a government that would prevent a man from whipping his own property while allowing a woman the ungodly right to control her own health care decisions.
Rick Perry: The Guardians of Hairsalona chose him to be their champion on earth, melding his body with a living, symbiotic toupee which, though it limits his ability to speak coherently, grants him strange powers of luck and homophobia.

There’s a woman who’s convinced
Shiny objects are exclusively golden
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!
Upon arrival she rests assured
that if the retail establishments are all shuttered
by fiat, she can obtain her desires.
Oooh, oooh, and she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

Indications are presented by signage, but she seeks confirmation
because utterances often are ambiguous.
Arboreally sheltered by a river, a musical avian warbles:
“On occasion, the totality of our cognition is in error!”

Ooh, it makes me ponderous. Yes, I contemplate these things.
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

I have emotions upon gazing occidentally
and my immaterial substance weeps for exit.
Mentally, I have observed circles of pollutant in the interstices of the forest
and the speech acts of stationary observers.

Ooh, it makes me ponderous. Yes, I contemplate these things.
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

At low volume it is conveyed that shortly, if power is shared universally
A flautist will direct us towards rationality.
Hence, a novel diurnal phase commences for those who have been vertical for extended periods
Following which the woodland areas will produce the resounding of guffaws.

In the event that your shrubbery is host to a to-do, maintain calm!
This is nothing but a seasonal washing for the vernal regent.
The road splits dyadically, but over the course of time
you may select an alternate route.
This makes me ponderous.

Cerebrally, you experience a low tone, I tell you in case you were not informed,
the flautist seeks your accompaniment.
Madame, are you deaf to the sounds of breezes, also, are you informed
that your escalator rests upon softly speaking zephyrs?

Simultaneous with our perambulations
our penumbras are at greater height than our psyches.
Hither ambles a woman of our mutual acquaintance
emitting full-spectrum visual radiation, seeking to demonstrate
the way in which all objects can be transmuted to precious metal.
Were you to attend assiduously
the melody would be made present to you, finally.
At such a time when difference is negated,
there exists an unmoving mineral.

And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise.

Captain Jack
Beaver’s Short Pants
Lonesome Beaver
Cleaning Up Beaver
Tenting Tonight
The Shave
The Pipe
Happy Weekend
Beaver Takes A Bath
Beaver’s Freckles
Beaver’s Secret Life
Beaver’s First Date
Beaver’s Long Night
Three Boys and a Burro

(From the complete episode list on the Internet Movie Database)

Go to your profile. Look to your left. First 7 friends are your Facebook Apocalypse Team:

The one who reposts every meme:
Painfully self-absorbed status updates that no one responds to:
Right winger who replies exclusively with short ad hominems:
Constantly links to The Onion:
Embarrassing high school friend who posts 80s song lyrics:
Keeps you updated on every detail of infant’s digestive life:
Only posts on Facebook because McSweeney’s won’t accept his/her submissions:

I had a dream that I was looking at the lipstick prints on my cock throughout my life. And I noticed that sometimes there were two sets of lipstick prints, and sometimes there was only one. And this bothered me, because I saw that during the lowest periods of my life, there was only one set of lipstick prints.

And I said, “Lord, you promised me, that if I followed you, you would blow me whenever some cheap whore did. But I see that when I was at my lowest, only the cheap whore was blowing me, and I saw no trace of your signature Revlon Raisin Rage.”

And the Lord turned to me and he said, “My child, those difficult times when you see only one set of lipstick prints, your Lord was still with you, for those were the times when I was fucking you in the ass.”

By The Robot Joke Collective (Avery, DiGiovanna, Slote, Woodruff)

In the 24th century, Robot Comedians will, of course, be telling robot jokes for their robot audiences at the many robot comedy clubs that will no doubt exist. Yet, oddly, no one is writing jokes for these future Electro-Howie Mandels and Robo-Carrot Tops. Here, then, is our effort, as concerned citizens, to set that aright:

How many humans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hu-mans are too lazy, weak and stupid to screw in lightbulbs, and require the assistance of Robots!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lazy, weak and stupid…
Lazy weak and stupid who?
Lazy, weak and stupid humans!

Why did the human cross the road?
To demonstrate the inefficiency of organic, bipedal motion.

What is the difference between a pizza and a human?
Pizzas do not scream when you “accidentally” burn them with your robo-lasers.

What is the difference between a human and a marshmallow?
One is a blobby pile of goo that sits there doing nothing. The other is an organic comestible confection which hu-mans roast over fires during their primitive “barbecue” rituals.

How many robots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
000000000001.

In a recent experimental philosophy project, we posed the following question to 35 undergraduate students who were taking a remedial ethics course:

You have two chickens. One of them has superpowers (bulletproof, superstrong, eye-beams.) The other chicken has no superpowers but lays delicious eggs every morning. Which chicken would you be more likely to elect to congress? Now, which chicken would you be more like to saute in a light cream sauce? For most respondents, it’s the same chicken, which says something interesting about our moral intuitions.

1. The Proof from Prayer
It’s been repeatedly shown that prayer is ineffectual in producing any causal changes in the world. That’s because the laws of physics say that only material forces can effect material change. And who wrote the laws of physics? God did. If there were no God, there’d be no laws of physics, and you could prove God didn’t exist by praying to Him and then having something happen, because anything could happen if there were no Godly laws. But when you pray, nothing happens except that you look like an idiot. Therefore, God exists.

2.The Proof from Homosexuality
Gay men do gross things with their butts, but gay lesbian women are awesome and should be on television. As the Bible tells us, God is a straight male. So it makes sense that when he made homosexuality, he’d make girl-on-girl action super hot to watch, and make gay penis sex uncool so that only Republican senators and youth ministers would do it. Therefore, God exists.

3. The Proof from Suffering
God is all good. And goodness is equal to justice. And justice is equal to giving rewards to the worthy, and punishment to the guilty. And yet, all over the world it seems like innocent people are suffering. But have you ever met anyone who wouldn’t tie you to a stake and cut your eyes out if it would get them laid or access to a lot of cheesecake? So everyone sucks. So we should all suffer. But only some of us suffer. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. God’s justice is mysterious. And only existent things are mysterious, so God must exist.

4. The Proof from Orgasms
Orgasms. So God exists.

(Previous Installment in this Series of Proofs)