Add to Google

Archive for December, 2007

Selections from an English-Latverian phrase book

Friday, December 14th, 2007

1. Meeting with a friend

-How are your ocelots?
-They are well, how are your ocelots?
-The have become infected.
-Unfortunate! My evening supplication to the deity/deities will include their names.
-You are mistaken in your apprehension. The infection is beneficial!
-My demeanor and heart are lifted.

2. Ordering Gazpacho

-Do you manufacture your gazpacho locally, and with correctness?
-Our gazpacho has been certified by authorities of repute.
-That is not an answer to my inquiry.
-It is nonetheless my only response.

3. Contacting the police

-Although I am loathe to admit it, I have given my funds to a brigand unwillingly.
-Did he carry an ocelot?
-He had no mammals.
-It is clear the crime was politically motivated.
-This had been my assumption.

4. Attending a religious ceremony

-Your deities are lovely. Do they have qualities?
-Yes, Evanescence and propinquity.
-How informal! I should be benefited in worshipping them.
-This is what lore claims, but answers in this realm are intermittent.

5. At the Train Station

-When is the next arrival of passengers?
-You have come to the wrong place: this track is for confiscated ocelots.
-Is there much traffic in such things?
-To our national shame, yes.

6. Dealing with the Underworld

-Where would one go to procure narcotics, assuming one were so inclined, which I am not.
-Had I knowledge of such things I would assure you that forty kopeks would deliver to you a finer quality of product than your puny American veins can handle.
-Oops! I have accidentally handed you forty kopeks!
-And I have revealed my employment with law enforcement. The punch-line is your incarceration!

Kant Attack Ad

Sunday, December 9th, 2007

Spoonbot produced this Kant attack ad not out of hostility, but out of real concern for our American values.

Xmas Card

Saturday, December 8th, 2007

Bringers of Doom Volume 1: George Washington Carver

Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

Schoolchildren (which are my favorite kind of children) are taught many vicious lies, like that they might one day be president, and that ketchup is made of tomatoes.

But one lie that they never seem to overcome is the teaching that George Washington Carver was a benign force. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Thanks to George Washington Carver literally tens of people have DIED FROM PEANUT ALLERGIES! It used to be that if you didn’t want to be exposed to anything as lascivious and unsavory as a peanut, you just had to avoid the few hairy-knuckled troglodytes who dealt them at circuses and executions.

But thanks to “Mr.” Carver, peanuts are found in virtually every consumer product known to mankind. For example, did you know that peanut butter is not made of butter at all, but is rather produced by distilling pure despair into a resinous goo, and then adding peanuts?

“So don’t eat it!” I hear you say. But how can someone allergic to peanuts hope to avoid inhaling peanut-based perfumes (Chanel Number 5, Obsession, Old Spice Extra Spicy, etc.)? Or what about the terror of encountering, unknowingly, a crevasse that has been cleansed with a peanut-flavored douche or suppository? What then, Mr. Wiseguy?

For this and many reasons, Mr. Carver is known as “The Foul One” and “Lord Death” amongst the peanut-allergic. AND THIS IS NOT BY ACCIDENT!

No, a quick read through the textbooks will show you: Carver sought to destroy the peanut-allergic. In his years at Tuskegee Institute his so-called peanut “research” was really a ruse for a vast eugenics program designed to eliminate “the weak, the undesirable, the sexually compulsive and the slovenly.” Those with peanut allergies were obviously high on his list, as were the asthmatic and those with hangnails.


Tuesday, December 4th, 2007

This is another “Fun With Numbers!” post, and I’ve decided that these will be known as “Fumbers!” posts. It’s short for “Fun With Numbers!” I had thought that perhaps a better name would be “Funbers!” but then I thought that that was too hard to pronounce. Although maybe “Funumbers!” would be better, incorporating more of both words. But then the word “with” might feel left out, so maybe “Fuwumbers!” Ok, let’s go with “Fuwumbers!” as short for “Fun With Numbers!” Feel free to suggest another variant, but keep in mind that in any iteration, the important element is the final exclamation point, as it’s the true source of the fun.

Anyway, here’s our Fun With Numbers! or “Fuwumbers!” post for the day:

It’s nearly impossible to count up to infinity, because at around a trillion, your throat gets dry. Thus, school children fail to understand the immensity of infinity. So! The trick is to count backwards from infinity! That way, you really can make some progress.

So I’ll start you off, and then keep going until you get to a nice, familiar number like forty two billion and six:

Infinity minus one.
Infinity minus two.
Infinity minus three.
Infinity minus four

Ok…ready! Now you continue on!