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Archive for May, 2011

People getting raptured. Yes, “rapture” is a verb now.

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011

Poem For New York

Sunday, May 22nd, 2011


O my god, get out of my way
O my god, please get out of my way
O my fucking god, get out of my way.


Just, just, just stop staring at your cell phone
and, and, go all the way up the stairs
and turn, like, right or left or something
because this is not the stand-and-text-area
this is the get-out-of-my-fucking-way area.


I know you guys are in love
and that it’s awesome to walk side-by-side
as slowly as humanly possible
but some of us are single
and in a hurry
and not utterly oblivious to the happiness, well-being
and very existence
of other people.


Hey, I’m sure you’re really proud of that ass of yours,
But instead of just parking it there, could you,
Like, move it the fuck out of my way?

FAQ for my Students: The Rapture

Wednesday, May 18th, 2011


(Image source)

Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.

Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.

Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.

Q: If my instructor is not raptured, is he really fit to judge me?
A: Yes, seeing as you were not raptured, you are still subject to the earthly judgment of the unsaved. If/when you are redeemed, a change of grade form will be automatically processed by heavenly authorities if they decide your grade was unfairly given by one of the damned.

Q: If my computer crashes and my printer breaks and there is no email on account of the rapture, will I be able to get an extension on the paper?
A: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and your printer should continue to work the way they always have: sporadically.

Q: How will the rapture affect your curving, particularly if raptured students are exempt from final tests/papers?
A: Final grades are not curved, but students who are taken up in the rapture will be given incompletes, just in case.