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Archive for November, 2009

What If Aquaman Had Been Present At The Biblical Flood?

Monday, November 2nd, 2009

Noah and Aquaman!

GOD: I’m gonna, like, totally flood the earth and kill everyone.
NOAH: Why?
GOD: Because the earth is full of violence.
NOAH: Not to be a dick, but you’re the one who’s always going on about “Kill all the Midianites ” and “kill all the Amorites and Canaanites and Perizzites ” and “kill everyone who worships another god ,” and stuff.
GOD: Your point?
NOAH: Well, you’re gonna kill everyone for being violent, when you’re constantly ordering people to be violent, I mean, it creates a mixed message.
NOAH: Ok. So, what if I just build a boat and save me and my wife and my sons and their wives?
GOD: What about your daughters?
NOAH: Meh.
GOD: Ok, you, the sons, their wives, your wife. What the hell: take two of every animal with you.
NOAH: Wait, what? No no no no! That’s, like, a serious commitment I’m not down with!
GOD: Who’s God? Are you God? Or am I God?
NOAH: You?
GOD: So who’s gathering all the animals?
NOAH: I’m seeing that that’s me, right?
GOD: Now you’re talking.


NOAH: Even though this ark is kind of smelly, I’m totes glad I built it.
NOAH’S WIFE: Why’s that?
NOAH: Because now we’re the only people left on earth, and also, we have a real surplus of pets.
NOAH’S WIFE: We could open a pet store and totally corner the market.
NOAH: Except no one’s left alive to buy pets.
NOAH’S WIFE: That’s a hurdle in the business plan, but not an insurmountable one.
Suddenly, a great wave breaks over the bow of the Ark, and Aquaman Appears
NOAH: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell!?
AQUAMAN: This flood has been AWESOME!
GOD: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
NOAH: That’s what I said!
GOD: I totally made that flood to kill everyone!
AQUAMAN: Then your plan is not long on foresight or knowledge of the power of Aquaman!
GOD: That’s it, I quit. You’re all on your own.
NOAH: Huh. So, umm, Aquaman?
NOAH: Do you want to buy a pet?