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Archive for July, 2008

Final Report on Items Left In Your Refrigerator, From Your Housekeeper

Wednesday, July 16th, 2008

Dr. Hawkings;

In cleaning out your refrigerator today I happened upon what I can only assume were several science experiments that you had left unattended for some time. I present the results, as follows:

A wedge of brie had hardened into a brick-like substance. It received a 49 on the Brinell Hardness Test, and resisted all attempts at removing its thin plastic wrapper, which had apparently merged with the underlying cheese, creating what I can only assume is a new meta-element.

Several ears of corn were found in the crisper, where they had resided for the past month. They were desiccated, and, in my opinion, depressed.

Some carrots I discovered cowering behind a mayonnaise jar were fascinating. Their greens had converted from the normal leafy consistency to a semi-liquid ooze, not unlike that seen in the mucus membranes of decaying cows or otters. The carrots themselves had softened to a consistency between tumescent and detumescent, and the entire affair smelled like the diaper of a poorly behaved welfare child.

A small piece of pita bread had fossilized.

A lidded, cup-like container had an unidentified substance in it that emitted an odor at once foul and bewitching, as though one had happened upon an ancient glen, untouched by man, and had seen there a dryad emerge from a tree. Bending one’s head to kiss her pudenda, one then discovers that she suffers from dutch elm disease. One inhales, and knows a secret thing.

I hope these provide enough data to conclude your experiments, as the goods themselves have been consigned to the rubbish bin where they await the coming of the urban sanitation engineers and their marvelous machines-upon-wheels.

Mrs. Wilkins