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Bestiary for the New World

Most bestiaries come from Europe, which, according to this wire story, is a wimpy place full of carrot-eaters who wouldn’t know an extreme sport if it rolled up on mag wheels and shot fire from its exhaust right into their faces.

So, here begins some entries for the New World Bestiary, soon to be a major motion topiary:

1. The Flightless Dolphin

Like the large flightless birds that became extinct during the post-ice age period, flightless dolphins are easily ridiculed and have low self-esteem. Nonetheless, their inability to fly does not preclude them from having rewarding interactions with humans who throw perch at them, or from swimming. Most flightless dolphins have adopted an aquatic existence, paradoxically living “in” the water while never really feeling themselves to be part of the whole fish crowd. The flightless dolphin is nonetheless fully able to desalinate and respire, and some have even been seen cavorting.
flightless dolphin

2. The Googolcorn

The googolcorn is like a unicorn, only with a lot more corns. I mean “horns,” because that’s what “corn” means. I encountered the googolcorn when Dr. Shulgin and I were preparing for our midterm exams with the Balaban peoples of the Amazon rainforest basin, a very primitive peoples who nonetheless hold midterm exams. While walking through a marshy section of the lower Xingu which was said by the Balaban to house the bodies of all those killed by indifference, Dr. Shulgin and I stripped the bark from an Acacia, and then infused it in methanol for 48 hours. During this time we played whist. At the end of the 48 hours the methanol was removed by using a fractioning column, a condenser, and a saucepan that Dr. Shulgin’s mother had sold him. We reintroduced the methanol to the bark, and re-extracted, repeating the process until a stripping of the methanol produced a resinous brown agulate. To this agulate was added aqueous HCl (20 ml 10M, but well diluted), and a congealate was extracted and basified with NaOH (which I regret.) From this an aqueous residiferous paste was discalced, and then reshod with CH2Cl2, after which it was allowed to crystallize overnight. Again, Dr. Shulgin and I played whist, with myself talking the vast majority of tricks. We then removed the crystals, placed them in our meerschaum pipes, and smoked them vigorously. Dr. Shulgin went first, and he immediately began rolling on the ground telling me that he was “at the place” and that I’d “know” when I “cheated” him. I then inhaled the rich, aromous vapors from the pipe, and found that my cognation was severely enhanced, and my perceptual apparati now capable of perceiving into the ultra-and infra-visual sequences. After thirty minutes I “awoke” (I had never actually been “asleep”) and found that Dr. Shulgin and I were embracing, which was pleasant. As we staggered to our feet the googolcorn passed by briefly and, I believe (though Dr. Shulgin’s version is different) that it said something in English. Shulgin says it was not English, but we agree that it was something to the extent of “don’t do that.” Further study is warranted.


16 Responses to “Bestiary for the New World”

  1. Frank Says:

    I like to think that by having sex with flightless dolphins I raise their self esteem. Mind you, I’m careful not to let their self esteem become too high for then they will refuse me sex.

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