1. A Decent Cup of Coffee
2. Just One Minute Of Peace
3. Knowledge of the External World

As a Christian American, I was worried when I read that American children were ranked 417th in the world in science education, behind even such extinct peoples as the Mayans and the Iraqis. To rectify this, I’m starting a series of Science Stories to teach children about the wonders of the scientific world. Here’s story #1:

Science Story #1!: Jesus and the Neanderthals

One day, Jesus was out riding on his dinosaur when he saw a group of neanderthal people fighting against some giant lesbians. “Bless you!” said Jesus, even though no one had sneezed.

He dismounted his dinosaur and went to aid the good neanderthals, but when they saw him they were afraid, and hid themselves in their cave-dwelling.

“Be not afraid!” said Jesus, “I come to bring good cheer!” He waved his magic sword and all the neanderthals transformed into modern humans, and were from then on able to live in traditional families, with a mother who stayed home to tend the hearth, or, if need be, ran for elected office, a father who worked in a masculine profession, and children who were good and chaste, in keeping with Jesus’s moral code.

This transformation of the neanderthals into white people was one of Jesus’s greatest miracles, but he did not tell anyone of it, and there was no newspaper at the time brave enough to tell the story!

Luckily, Scientists came along and found the bones of the neanderthal races, and saw that at some point they transformed into the bones of good people, and the scientists realized that Jesus must have “evolved” the neanderthals so that they could attend church. So the next time someone tells you that science isn’t good for anything, tell them, “that’s not what Jesus would say!”

-Hello, you’ve reached the Philosophy dept.
-Yes, I need to speak to a doctor of philosophy.
-Umm…which professor would you like to speak with?
-I just need a doctor of philosophy. I’m having a terrible Gettier problem.
-I’m sorry?
-I’m having a terrible Gettier problem. I think it could be serious.
-I’m sorry, I don’t understand…
-Look, I have good reason to believe that Jones owns a Ford, I mean, I’ve known him to own Fords for years, and today I saw him in a Ford. And as a result I’ve deduced that Jones owns a Ford or Smith is in Barcelona. Now I have no reason to believe that Smith is in Barcelona…
-Sir, perhaps you should call back later.
-But listen, Smith is in Barcelona! And Jones doesn’t own a Ford!
-I…uh…
-Right, you’re thinking “But he saw Jones in a Ford today!”
-No, actually I…
-But the weird thing is it was a borrowed Ford and Jones doesn’t currently own a Ford!
-Sir, I…
-Yeah, it’s terrifying isn’t it!
-I’m going to hang up now…
-Wait! Wait! My belief is both true and justified! You have to listen to me!!!

1. Jobs
Manufacturing jobs have already been replaced by automation, and, rapidly, service jobs are also vanishing: ATMs, voice menus, and automated check-out systems have reduced the need for bank tellers, operators and cashiers. Soon, the only jobs left will be in policing and security, and so everyone will be a police officer or security guard. Walking the streets you’ll see nothing but a sea of blue uniforms, everyone friendly, but suspicious. We’ll feel so safe!

2. Crime
As a result of the universality of policing jobs, crime rates will soar, because “the blue wall of silence” will protect everyone, regardless of what they do. Of course, with no civilian populace to prey upon, the police will have to look elsewhere for victims. They can’t prey on members of the same police department, because then they’d lose the cohesion that protects them from prosecution. So instead we’ll see large groups of rival officers from neighboring towns and cities meeting on the borderlands, fighting and dancing a la West Side Story. It will be very beautiful, and very sad.

3. Celebrity
We’ll all be paired off into groups of 200, and you won’t be allowed to learn anything about anyone not in your group. But within your group, you’ll be terribly famous, as future research will show that most people can name exactly 200 celebrities (this will be known as Wenner’s Law of 200 Celebrities.) Everyone will learn about your exploits in gossip rags and “news” programs. You can choose to be a washed-up star appearing on a celebrity exploitation show, or a young rising star, embroiled in a sex-tape scandal, or politically aware star, exhorting your fellow stars to give up fur and oatmeal and such.

4. Politics
Since everyone will be a celebrity, no one will be able to run for office, because no one will vote for a celebrity. So elected offices will go vacant, and the government will be run by low-level bureaucrats. As a result, government efficiency will increase 1000% because the wavering, emotion-driven concerns of the electorate will be set aside in favor of rational, careful, and responsible administration. After a few years, the world will be divided into the intellectual “ruling class” and the appetite-driven “celebrity/policing” class, but only the ruling class will know this, because it won’t be reported in People magazine.

1. Don’t do anything on Sunday. Nothing. You do something on Sunday, and I’ll fucking kill you.

2. Don’t put your mouth on a pussy. That’s nasty.

3. Or a cock.

4. Sculpture is totally wrong. Don’t buy any sculptures from anyone ever. If you make a sculpture, if you buy a sculpture, if you look at a sculpture, I will fucking kill you.

5. Don’t say my name when you’re mad or anything. I’m all, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” Seriously. Don’t fucking say my name.

6. Like, if your neighbor has an ox? Don’t want it. Just, just don’t want that ox. I don’t care if you think it’s totally the best ox, if you want it, you’re fucked. Do not. Want. The ox!

7. If you’re a dude, and your beard is all scraggly, and you trim your beard? Yeah, I’ll fuck you.

8. If I tell you to kill somebody, like, say, your brother or your son? Totally kill them. I’m not saying what’ll happen to you if you don’t, but, it’d be like a really good idea if, like, I say, “kill that dude,” for you to kill that dude. Right away, even.

9. Like, all the stuff you own? Totally give that away. Seriously. It’s cool. Just, just like, give it all away. Yep.

10. Don’t hang around with Ammonites. Or Moabites. Or the kid of an Ammonite or Moabite. Or, hell, their kid’s kids or their kid’s kid’s kids or whatever. Basically, you know someone who’s, like, 1/512th Ammonite? Totally don’t hang around him. Moabite neither.

11. If someone kicks you really hard in the nuts, don’t go to church. I mean, wait until your nuts are better. If they never get better? Just don’t ever go to church again.

12. If you’re camping, and you have that dream where that cute girl who lives next door comes over wearing nothing but cowboy boots, and then you wake up and you’re all, “whoa!” and you’ve got that little wet spot, you know what I’m talking about, in your underpants? You have to leave the campsite. I don’t know why, exactly, but just get out of the campsite, and don’t come back until the next night, but, dude! Take a shower first.

References: 1: Exodus 20:8-11; 2 + 3: That’s what the priest told me but then he touched me in a wrong way; 4: Exodus 20:4-5; 5: Exodus 20:7; 6:Exodus 20:17; 7:Leviticus 19:27; 8:Exodus 32:26-29; 9:Mark 10:21; 10:Deuteronomy 23:3; 11:Deuteronomy 23:1; 12:Deuteronomy 23:10-11

1. Space
2. Communism
3. God
4. 1977
5. The pride South Dakotans feel at having Mount Rushmore in their state.

1. What do you like best about the sky?

2. What, in your opinion, is the square root of pi?

3. Is that a new dress? Because it looks fabulous. No, really, it looks just great on you. Just great.

4. You know how sometimes people say they’re going to do something, and then they don’t do it, and they’re all, “whatever,” and you’re all, “ok,” but really it hurts inside? I mean, do you know what I’m talking about?

5. Is that a proposal to balance the budget on the backs of the poor, or are you just happy to see me?

6. Do airplanes have babies?

Jesus Christ Supercomputer
Jesus Christ Supermodel
Jesus Christ, Supervisor
Jesus Christ Superbowl
Jesus Christ Superconducting Supercollider
Jesus Christ Superego
Jesus Christ Superfund
Jesus Christ Superheavyweight
Jesus Christ Superhighway
Jesus Christ Superintendent
Jesus Christ Supermarket

Lord of the Rings: An old man asks a eight people of varying heights to help him return some jewelry.

Odyssey: On his way home from work, a man gets terribly, terribly lost.

Paradise Lost: An angry man who lives in the sky goes overboard in dealing with competitors.

Oedipus the King: A long-lost boy comes home to his parents, with mixed results.

The Scarlet Letter: Iron-on lettering is invented prematurely, and with unfortunate consequences.

Rhinoceros: A fad gets out of hand.

Waiting for Godot: Two men have radishes for lunch.

Candide: An effort to look on the bright side meets some difficulties.

Lord of the Flies: A fat kid has trouble fitting in.

Antigone: A disagreement about funeral arrangements leads a new king to make some bad choices.

Dr. Hawkings;

In cleaning out your refrigerator today I happened upon what I can only assume were several science experiments that you had left unattended for some time. I present the results, as follows:

A wedge of brie had hardened into a brick-like substance. It received a 49 on the Brinell Hardness Test, and resisted all attempts at removing its thin plastic wrapper, which had apparently merged with the underlying cheese, creating what I can only assume is a new meta-element.

Several ears of corn were found in the crisper, where they had resided for the past month. They were desiccated, and, in my opinion, depressed.

Some carrots I discovered cowering behind a mayonnaise jar were fascinating. Their greens had converted from the normal leafy consistency to a semi-liquid ooze, not unlike that seen in the mucus membranes of decaying cows or otters. The carrots themselves had softened to a consistency between tumescent and detumescent, and the entire affair smelled like the diaper of a poorly behaved welfare child.

A small piece of pita bread had fossilized.

A lidded, cup-like container had an unidentified substance in it that emitted an odor at once foul and bewitching, as though one had happened upon an ancient glen, untouched by man, and had seen there a dryad emerge from a tree. Bending one’s head to kiss her pudenda, one then discovers that she suffers from dutch elm disease. One inhales, and knows a secret thing.

I hope these provide enough data to conclude your experiments, as the goods themselves have been consigned to the rubbish bin where they await the coming of the urban sanitation engineers and their marvelous machines-upon-wheels.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Wilkins