Rules that Jesus Made Up
1. Don’t do anything on Sunday. Nothing. You do something on Sunday, and I’ll fucking kill you.
2. Don’t put your mouth on a pussy. That’s nasty.
3. Or a cock.
4. Sculpture is totally wrong. Don’t buy any sculptures from anyone ever. If you make a sculpture, if you buy a sculpture, if you look at a sculpture, I will fucking kill you.
5. Don’t say my name when you’re mad or anything. I’m all, “That’s my name, don’t wear it out!” Seriously. Don’t fucking say my name.
6. Like, if your neighbor has an ox? Don’t want it. Just, just don’t want that ox. I don’t care if you think it’s totally the best ox, if you want it, you’re fucked. Do not. Want. The ox!
7. If you’re a dude, and your beard is all scraggly, and you trim your beard? Yeah, I’ll fuck you.
8. If I tell you to kill somebody, like, say, your brother or your son? Totally kill them. I’m not saying what’ll happen to you if you don’t, but, it’d be like a really good idea if, like, I say, “kill that dude,” for you to kill that dude. Right away, even.
9. Like, all the stuff you own? Totally give that away. Seriously. It’s cool. Just, just like, give it all away. Yep.
10. Don’t hang around with Ammonites. Or Moabites. Or the kid of an Ammonite or Moabite. Or, hell, their kid’s kids or their kid’s kid’s kids or whatever. Basically, you know someone who’s, like, 1/512th Ammonite? Totally don’t hang around him. Moabite neither.
11. If someone kicks you really hard in the nuts, don’t go to church. I mean, wait until your nuts are better. If they never get better? Just don’t ever go to church again.
12. If you’re camping, and you have that dream where that cute girl who lives next door comes over wearing nothing but cowboy boots, and then you wake up and you’re all, “whoa!” and you’ve got that little wet spot, you know what I’m talking about, in your underpants? You have to leave the campsite. I don’t know why, exactly, but just get out of the campsite, and don’t come back until the next night, but, dude! Take a shower first.
References: 1: Exodus 20:8-11; 2 + 3: That’s what the priest told me but then he touched me in a wrong way; 4: Exodus 20:4-5; 5: Exodus 20:7; 6:Exodus 20:17; 7:Leviticus 19:27; 8:Exodus 32:26-29; 9:Mark 10:21; 10:Deuteronomy 23:3; 11:Deuteronomy 23:1; 12:Deuteronomy 23:10-11
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