Darling,

I have planned our wedding, and it is both intimate and epic.

We start on home plate, in our fur-suits, surrounded by dying whales. The bridesmaids play infield positions, the groomsmen outfield positions. The officiant, a Dick Cheney impersonator, is on the mound. He approaches us (the “pitch”) and we realize that he’s a trained bear. We’re already wearing rings, but a hobbit comes up, bites off our ring fingers, and dives into a volcano. Then everyone gets on an Amtrak train as a chorus of civil war re-enactors sing a medley of Elton John songs.

I know I’m forgetting something. Like: what’s your name? Who the fuck are you? Did we meet 15 years ago or something?

I know this is going to be perfect.

Love,
Me

As a professional philosopher, I am frequently asked questions. But just because I am frequently asked questions doesn’t mean that any of those questions are frequently asked. This is exactly the kind of non-trivial distinction that philosophers are so good at. Nonetheless, here are some truth-value bearing answers to several such questions.

What is the meaning of life?
Philosophers get asked this all the time, and the answer is “what the fuck are you talking about? Your question makes no fucking sense! Learn to speak English!”

What do you mean?
I mean “what do you mean?” What are you asking? Surely not the meaning of the word “life.”

No, no, I mean, what am I supposed to do?
Then why did you say “what’s the meaning of life?” That’s a completely different question! Anyway, what do you mean by “supposed to do”? According to who?

Umm…
Look, if your mom tells you to take out the trash, then you’re supposed to take out the trash, right?

If I was 12 years old and lived at home, sure.
So the meaning of life is to take out the trash.

That can’t be right.
But you just said that “what’s the meaning of life” is the same question as “what am I supposed to do?” So by your own logic the meaning of life is to take out the trash.

Is this why no one talks to philosophers?
Pretty much.

Oedipus

Scene 1: The Oracle at Delphi

Oracle: Your son will grow up to kill his father and have sex with his mother.

Laius: That sounds bad.

Jocasta: Indeed; I’m opposed to that scenario. We should give him to a herdsman and ask the herdsman to set him out on a rock to die of exposure.

Laius: Or we could, you know, kill him ourselves. Just to be sure.

Jocasta: See, this is why you’re the king.

They kill the baby Oedipus

The end.

The artcards are in the mail. If you participated, you’ll get yours shortly. If you didn’t, you’ll never get one for as long as you live, and it’ll haunt you, and then, on your death bed, you’ll feel like you’re just about ready to forgive yourself, and it won’t matter, because your whole life will have been wasted in regret and despair. ArtCard says: forgiveness is for the weak. Here’s a last one to hammer that message home, loser:

John,
Thanks for your crappy campaigning; now I’ve got four years of job security in a recession, and it’s a bitchin’ job! Hey, you know what we call you around here? “Sea foam.” Because you’re white and washed up.
Love,
Barack

Dear Jesus,
Sorry about the piss thing. I know you’re more of a scat guy.
Best wishes,
Andres Serrano

Condi,
I miss you so much. No one here lets me play with any of the model airplanes, and they told me I can only go for walks if I eat all my desert. I hate it here! Hate it hate it hate!
XXOO,
George

Lucifer,
My apologies on the outcome of our last co-operative venture. I take all the blame, and will report for sodomy by demon-goats tomorrow at noon, as you requested.
Your faithful servant,
William Kristol

Dear Britney Spears,
I am your biggest fan ever! 4evah! Please please please send me a birthday card. I am a special child and cannot get out of my wheelchair but I “dance” to your music and watch Britney & Kevin: Chaotic on my DVD player that I got with money from a special book that I wrote by myself! Please send me a card!
Love!
Stephen Hawking

This artcard, which arrives only 8 days prior to the annual Sending Out Of The Return ArtCards, that glorious spring-time event which occurs in winter and makes swallows leave Capistrano for good, was difficult to scan. That’s because it exists not merely in one, nor simply in two, but in three of the currently known 14 dimensions. Thus, it’s a little blurry. But then, so is our national self-image, and to some, that’s a positive thing.

Also, and notably, this ArtCard is by a former Pennsylvanian who has the mutant gene on chromosome 4 which causes a change in the MCR1 protein that leads to unusual follicular pigmentation. No claim is made as to the biological superiority of such people, but clearly it would be wrong to count them as shiftless and prone to knife-wielding, though such is their stereotype.

With only one day left in the tenure of George W. Bush Americans fear that it will be years before another Bush is illegally inserted into the White House. As this sad day draws around us like a venus flytrap, let’s stop for a moment to remember all of the best things about the man who was the best president of the last 8 years:

•Kept us safe from terrorists, except for that one day.

•Didn’t torture anyone named “Sullivan” or “O’Leary.”

•Without him, we wouldn’t know that shoe throwing is a sign of disrespect in the middle east, and would constantly be embarrassed when we threw shoes at people and they didn’t respond with love and affection.

•Second best president of the 21st century.* Soon to be third best!

•That cute party trick he did where he folded up the napkin and made the bunny-voice and started a war for oil.

•His overwhelming love of Jesus and cocaine.

•Prevented the evil Al Gore from taking office and forcing us all to be mildly more sensible in our energy choices.

•Calmed the nerves of Sean Hannity and Rush Limbaugh.

•Generously gave everyone 300 dollars of their own money.

•Didn’t personally murder anyone with his bare hands.

•Never forbade the use of opposable thumbs.

•Can’t be blamed for over 90% of cancer-related fatalities during his presidency.

•Is mortal.

*we are indebted to Dr. S. Boaz Slote for noting Bush’s high ranking among 21st century American Presidents. We would also add that for at least a few more years he’ll remain the second best white president of the century.

As a degree-holder in the topic of religion, I am frequently asked questions, so I made a list of these questions, and literally answered them. Also, these are true answers. This sets me apart from most people you ask about this stuff, as they just bullshit you in order to get you to give them head. Because that’s what people with degrees in religion do. They lie to you for oral sex.

1. Are all Christians gay?
I think so. Sort of. Most of them, anyway. The gay ones are.

2.Why do Muslims make that weird sound like “lulululu” before they cut you?
To let you know that they’re gonna cut you. It’s like how white people say “heads!” if they hit a tennis ball out of the court and towards some spectators.

3.How come Roman Catholics are so guido-y?
The Catholic Bible, unlike most Protestant versions, includes the book of Maccabees, which tells the tale of a military resistance by 2nd century BC Israelites against the Seleucid empire. In the course of the fighting, the Israelites invented Hanukkah, which is like Christmas only suckier. Thus, most Catholics find inspiration in this book, and they get all guido-y and shit.

4.Do Jews believe in an afterlife?
Why don’t you ask them? I mean, ferchrissakes, is it so hard to talk to people?

5.Why do the Hindus believe in so many gods when obviously there’s just one God, and he’s awesome?
In the beginning, God created all the peoples of the earth and gave them special gifts. To the Russians he said, “you shall have a really, really big country. Totally huge.” And to the French he said, “you shall have oral sex, forever, amen.” And to the English he said, “you shall be very embarrassed by things, and your teeth will be uneven, and you shall conquer the world and then be all ‘eh, you can have it back,’ and people will think that that’s really weird and cool, and your comedians will be popular with nerds.” And then the Hindus came to God and said, “what shall we have?” and God said, “you can have India,” and they looked at the place and they were all, “fuck this mud-hole!” and they made a bunch of new gods who were way better than God because they had extra arms and blue skin and some of them had awesome tits, and the Hindus were all, “how you like us now?” So God sent the English after them, but the Hindus just used that as an excuse to make better tea, and God was mad, but he couldn’t do shit about it, because, you know: gods with awesome tits. Ha! Fuck you, God!

6.Which is the one true religion?
Stamp collecting. Weird, huh? You wouldn’t have suspected it. But stamp collectors go to heaven and everyone else rots in hell. It seems unfair, until you think about: while you were running around learning about genitals and watching television, these people were thinking about, collecting, and being delighted by postage stamps. Seriously. They were totally into stamps.

Clicking the images will make for very much larger ones, as if by magic or due to bloating from soup.

Winter Facebook Interlude
by Elizabeth Festa

He has moved house and is very grateful to Apple’s time machine.
He is going to Arcosanti on the way home.

She is elliptical.
She is playing Congo – the Alien Adventure Game. Aren’t you jealous?
He wishes Elivs had recorded some songs for St Stephen’s Day.
He is going to Arcosanti on the way home
He has super dagon powers.
She is going to work again hmph
She is watching the underrated band Ambrosia on youtube
He is en route to Snowshoe Mountain for the kids’ first ever snow exposure
She is watching Grace of My Heart while it is snowing multiple feet outside
She is wishing she was in Denver
She cena e poi prepara la valigia
She is eating dinner and then preparing her suitcase
She is eating chicken soup
He s getting ready to move
He is going to Arcosanti on the way home.
She is being crushed by an enormous pile of requests. Aack! Not another snowball!
She wants to use her snowshoes!!! Snow, damn it!
He is going to Arcosanti on the way home
She is freezing.

Ellen is finding that doing “nothing” is really exhausting.
She cena e poi prepara la valigia
She is eating dinner and then preparing her suitcase.