As a degree-holder in the topic of religion, I am frequently asked questions, so I made a list of these questions, and literally answered them. Also, these are true answers. This sets me apart from most people you ask about this stuff, as they just bullshit you in order to get you to give them head. Because that’s what people with degrees in religion do. They lie to you for oral sex.

1. Are all Christians gay?
I think so. Sort of. Most of them, anyway. The gay ones are.

2.Why do Muslims make that weird sound like “lulululu” before they cut you?
To let you know that they’re gonna cut you. It’s like how white people say “heads!” if they hit a tennis ball out of the court and towards some spectators.

3.How come Roman Catholics are so guido-y?
The Catholic Bible, unlike most Protestant versions, includes the book of Maccabees, which tells the tale of a military resistance by 2nd century BC Israelites against the Seleucid empire. In the course of the fighting, the Israelites invented Hanukkah, which is like Christmas only suckier. Thus, most Catholics find inspiration in this book, and they get all guido-y and shit.

4.Do Jews believe in an afterlife?
Why don’t you ask them? I mean, ferchrissakes, is it so hard to talk to people?

5.Why do the Hindus believe in so many gods when obviously there’s just one God, and he’s awesome?
In the beginning, God created all the peoples of the earth and gave them special gifts. To the Russians he said, “you shall have a really, really big country. Totally huge.” And to the French he said, “you shall have oral sex, forever, amen.” And to the English he said, “you shall be very embarrassed by things, and your teeth will be uneven, and you shall conquer the world and then be all ‘eh, you can have it back,’ and people will think that that’s really weird and cool, and your comedians will be popular with nerds.” And then the Hindus came to God and said, “what shall we have?” and God said, “you can have India,” and they looked at the place and they were all, “fuck this mud-hole!” and they made a bunch of new gods who were way better than God because they had extra arms and blue skin and some of them had awesome tits, and the Hindus were all, “how you like us now?” So God sent the English after them, but the Hindus just used that as an excuse to make better tea, and God was mad, but he couldn’t do shit about it, because, you know: gods with awesome tits. Ha! Fuck you, God!

6.Which is the one true religion?
Stamp collecting. Weird, huh? You wouldn’t have suspected it. But stamp collectors go to heaven and everyone else rots in hell. It seems unfair, until you think about: while you were running around learning about genitals and watching television, these people were thinking about, collecting, and being delighted by postage stamps. Seriously. They were totally into stamps.

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