On July 9th, 1967, Federico Amasso fell into a pool full of hungry babies and was suckled to death.

In renaissance Flanders it was not uncommon for logs or sticks to become angry, and kill passersby. This is why the “Flanders Wood Laws,” which called for the expulsion of unfinished wood products from vestibules and constabularies, were enacted.

On Valentine’s day of 1949, in Boulder, Colorado, Thomas A. Quartos literally died of a broken heart when his girlfriend, Lilly Anne McDithers, shot him sixteen times in the chest.

On April 14th of the year 33, Jesus of Nazareth died when he was nailed to a wooden cross and left out in the sun. Bless his holy name, and the funny way in which he died.

In Elizabethan England, “the little death” or “le petite mort” was a common euphemism for an orgasm. The term arose when Queen Elizabeth slipped on some freshly spilled semen and died of embarrassment, though not literally. In fact, she died years later while sodomizing a horse.

Spoonbot has learned that some atheists don’t believe in God! How ludicrous. While there are an almost infinite number of proofs of the existence of God (in fact, the sheer number of proofs of the existence of God could be taken as, itself, an absolute proof of the existence of God) it wouldn’t hurt to put a couple more out there, to help some of these non-believing atheists to become better people. So:

Proof of the existence of God #1: The Feathers Can’t Be Magic! Proof

If God didn’t exist, then why would birds have feathers? Think about it: birds need feathers to fly. So how did the feathers get there? By magic? Hardly! God put them there with his power. Therefore, God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #2: The Empirical Proof

Turn around very quickly. Did you see God? No you didn’t. Why? Because he’s invisible. Therefore God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #3: The Proof from Craving

You’ve probably noticed that you prefer to listen to music, rather than just random noises and screams. But have you ever wondered why? It’s because music is ordered, and we crave order in our lives. Now who ordered the universe? God! So we crave God. Now think about the things you crave: ice cream, dirty sex, unicorns. What do all those things have in common? They all exist, except for unicorns. So if we crave God, God must exist, unless he’s a unicorn! But obviously, God is not a unicorn. Therefore, God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #4: The Mathematical Proof

What’s 2 plus 2? It’s 4, right? But why is 2 plus 2 equal to 4? Because God. Duh. Therefore, God exists.

Cycle 1: Barney’s Lament:

Wojo, Wojo, Whoa!
Whoa! Wojo, Wojo, Wojo!
Wojo, Oh, Wojo!

Cycle 2: Dietrich Knows:

This man speaks a tongue
No one understands? Dietrich
Knows. Dietrich can help.

This man has a bomb
It’s nuclear-atomic?
Let’s just ask Dietrich

O boy. Another one.
A riddle. A mystery.
A job for Dietrich.

Dietrich, why is it
You know everything except
That this is Fish’s desk.

Coming soon: Officer Carl Levitt and the Dream of Adequacy

Butterflies
The English system of weights and measures
People of roughly medium build
4:15 pm on any given Thursday
A glass of water
That vague sense of satisfaction obtained by opening a sticky jar-lid

The Unbearable Cuteness of Being
No Country For Bald Men
A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Douchebag
Brave New Squirrels
The Sound and the Furries
There Will Be Fudd (an Elmer Fudd motion picture experience)
Harold And The Big Purple Cock
(More here)

While Aristotle’s “proof” that not (A and not-A) has survived for over 2,000 years, it now seems that there is even stronger proof that he is wrong. I thus present the Argumentum Ad Awesomeness:

1. Q
2. ~Q
——
3. Q or P (1, by addition, and where P is something awesome, like “I get super skateboard powers” or “girls like me.”)
———-
4. P (by 3, 2, Disjunctive Syllogism)

Thus, if (Q and ~Q), then something awesome, so (Q and ~Q), Q.E.D.

1. Defeat Hitler. I remember how my liberal Democrat friends were all, “o no, don’t defeat Hitler! You should appease him! He probably has a legitimate grievance caused by American cultural imperialism.” And I was all, “fuck that, I’m defeating Hitler.” They can whine about it in their Gender and Sexuality graduate programs, but that’s just how I play it. I. Defeat. Hitler.

2. Develop A Strong And Healthy Economy. I thought it would be a good idea to create a burgeoning economy that benefited the American worker. Of course, my “liberal” friends thought I’d be better off stifling all growth and creativity in the marketplace. They were all, “let’s not be hasty with the burgeoning economy! What if something goes wrong! I’m scared! Hold me!” Sorry, no time to “hold” you. I have to promote industry and personal responsibility.

3. Reduce Crime. Hey, why not reduce the amount of violent crime in our inner cities, I said. “O no,” said the liberal Democrats, “that would show grotesque racism and classism. Instead, let’s promote crime by handing out free pornography and destroying the family and taking away people’s gun rights and dignity! Then the world would be a utopia!” I have an idea: Why don’t you liberals create vast, tax-payer supported academic wastelands where we can safely sequester you while you “theorize” about your “utopian” experiments. Meanwhile, like all true men of faith and conservative values, instead of “thinking,” I will act. Watch out criminals. I am coming.

Pursuant to my reading of Joseph Campbell I present my new Mythic Cycle, of which the following is a brief excerpt from the first volume:

. . . . . The Eternal Douchebag