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Even Hulk Can Figure That Out

August 11th, 2012

The Hulk thinks Ayn Rand is for teenagers.

I’ve Met America, Mr. Ryan, And You Are Not America

August 11th, 2012

Captain America thinks Paul Ryan is a dickhead.

And When He Learned The Truth He Was Strangely Elated

July 19th, 2012

a cartoon of Charlie Brown confessing his love for Lucy, who tells him she pees in Shroeder's mouth.

Childhood is More Complex Than Adults Remember

July 12th, 2012

Peanuts cartoon with religion

Tweets to Countries

June 24th, 2012

@Andorra: Why are you even a country? I could walk across you with a broken leg and a hangover.

@Sri Lanka: Your name sounds like low-cost decaffeinated coffee. Change it.

@Trinidad and Tobago: Are you gay life partners, or a country? Make up your mind.

@Grenada: It’s like your whole constitution just says, “In the event you can’t get into an American medical school, we’re here for you.”

@Romania: Before people used Hitler as the epitome of evil, they used Dracula. Did that hurt your feelings?

@Chile: Get some width. You look ridiculous.

@Mexico: What have you done since the sombrero? A hat is not a national identity.

@Niger: Americans feel weird when they say your name.

@South Africa: Anyone looking at a map can see that you’re the southernmost country in Africa. No need to state the obvious.

@Madagascar: Your capital is called “Antananarivo.” That’s fucking awesome.

@Sweden: You made a lot of depressing movies for a country full of slutty blondes.

@United States of America: you and the Central African Republic are tied for “country with the least creative name”.

@Australia: are you embarrassed about how little you’ve accomplished considering you’ve got a whole continent to yourself?

@Jordan: you have the same name as everybody who was ever in a boy band.

@Laos: we kind of bombed you a lot. Sorry.

@El Salvador: that’s a pretty presumptuous name for a country the size of an American shopping mall.

@Jamaica: thanks for the weed.

100 Rooms You Have To Visit Before You Die!

April 11th, 2012

1. The bathroom
2. The kitchen
3. The foyer
4. The TV room
5. The dining room
6. The walk-in freezer
7. The bedroom
8. The crawl space
9. The living room
10. The other bedroom

How The Candidates Got Their Powers:

January 19th, 2012

Mitt Romney: bitten by a radioactive JC Penny men’s wear mannequin.
Newt Gingrich: a lightning bolt struck his laboratory and splashed experimental douche formula on him
Rick Santorum: While getting blown in a men’s room at a New Jersey, Turnpike rest stop, he heard that Muslims had been given the right to enter public libraries. Horrified, he turned away from his life of debauchery and dedicated himself to fighting against reason and common sense.
Ron Paul: after Union forces freed his slaves, he took up arms against a government that would prevent a man from whipping his own property while allowing a woman the ungodly right to control her own health care decisions.
Rick Perry: The Guardians of Hairsalona chose him to be their champion on earth, melding his body with a living, symbiotic toupee which, though it limits his ability to speak coherently, grants him strange powers of luck and homophobia.

Plumbous Dirigible’s “Escalator to Paradise”

November 12th, 2011

Parody Zep Image

There’s a woman who’s convinced
Shiny objects are exclusively golden
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!
Upon arrival she rests assured
that if the retail establishments are all shuttered
by fiat, she can obtain her desires.
Oooh, oooh, and she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

Indications are presented by signage, but she seeks confirmation
because utterances often are ambiguous.
Arboreally sheltered by a river, a musical avian warbles:
“On occasion, the totality of our cognition is in error!”

Ooh, it makes me ponderous. Yes, I contemplate these things.
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

I have emotions upon gazing occidentally
and my immaterial substance weeps for exit.
Mentally, I have observed circles of pollutant in the interstices of the forest
and the speech acts of stationary observers.

Ooh, it makes me ponderous. Yes, I contemplate these things.
And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise!

At low volume it is conveyed that shortly, if power is shared universally
A flautist will direct us towards rationality.
Hence, a novel diurnal phase commences for those who have been vertical for extended periods
Following which the woodland areas will produce the resounding of guffaws.

In the event that your shrubbery is host to a to-do, maintain calm!
This is nothing but a seasonal washing for the vernal regent.
The road splits dyadically, but over the course of time
you may select an alternate route.
This makes me ponderous.

Cerebrally, you experience a low tone, I tell you in case you were not informed,
the flautist seeks your accompaniment.
Madame, are you deaf to the sounds of breezes, also, are you informed
that your escalator rests upon softly speaking zephyrs?

Simultaneous with our perambulations
our penumbras are at greater height than our psyches.
Hither ambles a woman of our mutual acquaintance
emitting full-spectrum visual radiation, seeking to demonstrate
the way in which all objects can be transmuted to precious metal.
Were you to attend assiduously
the melody would be made present to you, finally.
At such a time when difference is negated,
there exists an unmoving mineral.

And she’s purchasing an escalator to paradise.

Actual episode titles from “Leave it to Beaver”:

November 4th, 2011

June Cleaver

Captain Jack
Beaver’s Short Pants
Lonesome Beaver
Cleaning Up Beaver
Tenting Tonight
The Shave
The Pipe
Happy Weekend
Beaver Takes A Bath
Beaver’s Freckles
Beaver’s Secret Life
Beaver’s First Date
Beaver’s Long Night
Three Boys and a Burro

(From the complete episode list on the Internet Movie Database)

Facebook Apocalypse Team

August 24th, 2011

BloodyFacebook Logo

Go to your profile. Look to your left. First 7 friends are your Facebook Apocalypse Team:

The one who reposts every meme:
Painfully self-absorbed status updates that no one responds to:
Right winger who replies exclusively with short ad hominems:
Constantly links to The Onion:
Embarrassing high school friend who posts 80s song lyrics:
Keeps you updated on every detail of infant’s digestive life:
Only posts on Facebook because McSweeney’s won’t accept his/her submissions: