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Lipstick Prints

July 23rd, 2011

I had a dream that I was looking at the lipstick prints on my cock throughout my life. And I noticed that sometimes there were two sets of lipstick prints, and sometimes there was only one. And this bothered me, because I saw that during the lowest periods of my life, there was only one set of lipstick prints.

And I said, “Lord, you promised me, that if I followed you, you would blow me whenever some cheap whore did. But I see that when I was at my lowest, only the cheap whore was blowing me, and I saw no trace of your signature Revlon Raisin Rage.”

And the Lord turned to me and he said, “My child, those difficult times when you see only one set of lipstick prints, your Lord was still with you, for those were the times when I was fucking you in the ass.”

Robot Jokes!

July 19th, 2011

By The Robot Joke Collective (Avery, DiGiovanna, Slote, Woodruff)
Robots standing in line

In the 24th century, Robot Comedians will, of course, be telling robot jokes for their robot audiences at the many robot comedy clubs that will no doubt exist. Yet, oddly, no one is writing jokes for these future Electro-Howie Mandels and Robo-Carrot Tops. Here, then, is our effort, as concerned citizens, to set that aright:

How many humans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Hu-mans are too lazy, weak and stupid to screw in lightbulbs, and require the assistance of Robots!

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Lazy, weak and stupid…
Lazy weak and stupid who?
Lazy, weak and stupid humans!

Why did the human cross the road?
To demonstrate the inefficiency of organic, bipedal motion.

What is the difference between a pizza and a human?
Pizzas do not scream when you “accidentally” burn them with your robo-lasers.

What is the difference between a human and a marshmallow?
One is a blobby pile of goo that sits there doing nothing. The other is an organic comestible confection which hu-mans roast over fires during their primitive “barbecue” rituals.

How many robots does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
000000000001.

Another Thought Experiment

June 24th, 2011

In a recent experimental philosophy project, we posed the following question to 35 undergraduate students who were taking a remedial ethics course:

You have two chickens. One of them has superpowers (bulletproof, superstrong, eye-beams.) The other chicken has no superpowers but lays delicious eggs every morning. Which chicken would you be more likely to elect to congress? Now, which chicken would you be more like to saute in a light cream sauce? For most respondents, it’s the same chicken, which says something interesting about our moral intuitions.

More Proofs of the Existence of God

June 24th, 2011

1. The Proof from Prayer
It’s been repeatedly shown that prayer is ineffectual in producing any causal changes in the world. That’s because the laws of physics say that only material forces can effect material change. And who wrote the laws of physics? God did. If there were no God, there’d be no laws of physics, and you could prove God didn’t exist by praying to Him and then having something happen, because anything could happen if there were no Godly laws. But when you pray, nothing happens except that you look like an idiot. Therefore, God exists.

2.The Proof from Homosexuality
Gay men do gross things with their butts, but gay lesbian women are awesome and should be on television. As the Bible tells us, God is a straight male. So it makes sense that when he made homosexuality, he’d make girl-on-girl action super hot to watch, and make gay penis sex uncool so that only Republican senators and youth ministers would do it. Therefore, God exists.

3. The Proof from Suffering
God is all good. And goodness is equal to justice. And justice is equal to giving rewards to the worthy, and punishment to the guilty. And yet, all over the world it seems like innocent people are suffering. But have you ever met anyone who wouldn’t tie you to a stake and cut your eyes out if it would get them laid or access to a lot of cheesecake? So everyone sucks. So we should all suffer. But only some of us suffer. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. God’s justice is mysterious. And only existent things are mysterious, so God must exist.

4. The Proof from Orgasms
Orgasms. So God exists.

(Previous Installment in this Series of Proofs)

New Harry Potter Books!

June 9th, 2011

Cat Potter Pic

Harry Potter and the Scary, Waving Kitty

Chapstic Potter

Harry Potter and the Chapstick of Rich Emollience


Harry Potter and the DVD of Entertainment


Harry Potter and the Obviously Fake Elephant


Harry Potter and the Helicopter of Imperial Expansionism


Harry Potter and the Gooey, Weird Hippo


Harry Potter and the Big Spoon of Nothing

People getting raptured. Yes, “rapture” is a verb now.

May 22nd, 2011


Poem For New York

May 22nd, 2011

I

O my god, get out of my way
O my god, please get out of my way
O my fucking god, get out of my way.

II

Just, just, just stop staring at your cell phone
and, and, go all the way up the stairs
and turn, like, right or left or something
because this is not the stand-and-text-area
this is the get-out-of-my-fucking-way area.

III

Hi,
I know you guys are in love
and that it’s awesome to walk side-by-side
as slowly as humanly possible
but some of us are single
and in a hurry
and not utterly oblivious to the happiness, well-being
and very existence
of other people.

IV

Hey, I’m sure you’re really proud of that ass of yours,
But instead of just parking it there, could you,
Like, move it the fuck out of my way?
Kthnxbye

FAQ for my Students: The Rapture

May 18th, 2011

Rapture

(Image source)

Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.

Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.

Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.

Q: If my instructor is not raptured, is he really fit to judge me?
A: Yes, seeing as you were not raptured, you are still subject to the earthly judgment of the unsaved. If/when you are redeemed, a change of grade form will be automatically processed by heavenly authorities if they decide your grade was unfairly given by one of the damned.

Q: If my computer crashes and my printer breaks and there is no email on account of the rapture, will I be able to get an extension on the paper?
A: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and your printer should continue to work the way they always have: sporadically.

Q: How will the rapture affect your curving, particularly if raptured students are exempt from final tests/papers?
A: Final grades are not curved, but students who are taken up in the rapture will be given incompletes, just in case.

The Holy Story of God, God 2, and The Bully

August 17th, 2010

Keanu Reeves with a Halo

God and his friend God 2 were walking home from school one day when a big bully came up to them. “Wanna see a dead body?” said the bully.

“What’s a dead body?” said God.

This was a very serious question because at this point in history, when God was still going to school, there weren’t any dead things, and it’s a matter of some great debate whether there were in fact bodies. But God was a curious schoolboy, and he was quickly persuaded by the bully that a dead body was something worth seeing.

So God and God 2 and the bully started walking down by some old railroad tracks (relatively old, since the universe had only barely just been created).

“So,” said the bully, “you like that English teacher, Mrs. Johnson?”

“She’s ok,” said God, “I just don’t get why she’s such a stickler for rules when there isn’t even an English language yet.”

“It’s forward thinking,” said God 2, who always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt. “Besides, if we don’t know the rules how will we be able to recognize English when people finally get around to speaking it?”

“That’s a good question,” said God, “for a fag!”

With that God and the bully ran quickly ahead, knowing that God 2 couldn’t run quite as fast because he didn’t yet have the ability to conceptualize space. Space had just been invented, so it was a still a tricky concept.

Anyway, God and the bully came to a woodsy area near a pond, and the bully beckoned God down towards the water. “Look,” said the bully, and he poked at something with a stick.

What had looked like a log rolled over in the water to reveal the bloated face of a dead human being. God was truly stunned, as he’d only designed humans earlier that day, and he was going to wait another couple of days before he actually produced the first model.
“Whoa!” said God, who was into acting like Keanu Reeves lately. Keanu Reeves, it’s true, wouldn’t show up for quite some time, but God was omniscient, so he’d effectively already seen all of Keanu’s movie, and even knew about Keanu’s tragic death at the hands of a mermaid.

“It’s weird that you should act surprised,” said the bully, “since you’re always going on about how you created everything.”

“Yeah, but I also created surprise, and I like to try it out sometimes, faggot,” said God. God was really into calling people “fag” or
“faggot,” which seems crude, but his ways are mysterious.

“Well, I don’t need your shit,” said the bully, and started to run off.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” said God. “Did you say you don’t need me?”

“I don’t need your shit,” said the bully, wondering if that was a better answer.

“That sounds like hubris to me,” said God.

“What’s hubris?” asked the bully.

“I just invented it. It’s the foundation of sin.”

“What’s sin?”

“Sin is when you don’t do what I say.

“So?” said the bully, “I do what I want!”

“Nu uh!” said God, and he cast the bully out of heaven, which was hard because all there was was heaven, so there was nowhere to cast anybody, but God simultaneously cast the bully out and created another place which he called “hell,” which is a word he’d heard Keanu use, and he thought that it was a cool word, so he figured, why not?

Meanwhile, back near the schoolyard, God 2 had given up running after God and the bully and was thinking about what else he could do. When he saw the bully shooting out of heaven like a load of flaming shit, God 2 sat up and took notice. “Wow,” he thought, “that looks painful. I wonder if I can help.”

“No,” said God, “no helping. Helping is, umm, what’s the word?”

“Nice?” said God 2.

“No, it’s forbidden. Forbidden to help the bully. Plus, his name is now Satan, which is a cool name, and also I’m going to create a lot
of people and they don’t get to live in heaven, and a bunch of them, really most of them, will eventually live in hell, which is a totally sucky place, but, like, 144,000 of them can eventually move in here with us.”

“Really? Won’t it be crowded?” asked God 2. “And also, why do the others have to go to hell?”

“Well, if you’re going to be such a crybaby about it,” said God, “you can go down there and tell them that if they don’t touch their genitals and if they do everything I say and if they really, really like me and want to be my friend and not just because I’m God but because they really like me, then they can all come up here to live. But only if they really like me and want to be my friend. Do you think they’ll want to be my friend? I’m totally going to kill a whole lot of them. Fuckers.”

“Um,” said God 2, “I don’t know. I’ll ask. I’ll ask nicely if they want to be your friend.”

“Ok,” said God, “that works.”

And so God made a whole bunch of stuff that he called “the earth,” and then he made a whole bunch of people, and then he waited until, like, 50 billion people had died without hope, and then he sent God 2 down to tell people that they should want to be God’s friend.

God 2 tried, but most people didn’t like God very much, and they wanted to touch their own and other people’s genitals, so God 2 went back to heaven and just waited to see who’d show up, in a low-key, no pressure sort of way. And that’s where he still is.

Waiting for people to want to be God’s friend.

What Happened In Heaven

June 10th, 2010

Once there was a terrible, terrible place where all the gods lived. It was awful. They had food, but it smelled like poop. And their bodies were covered with sores. The sores itched and burned, and if you touched them they hurt like paper cuts. Also, everyone had to pee all the time, and they’d go and pee, but it would still feel like they had to pee really, really badly.

Their houses and shops and business were all situated on a vast, muddy plain. The mud smelled like rotten eggs and it splattered and stuck to their shoes and socks and pants. Strangely, in spite of the wet mud, the sky was cloudless and so unpleasantly sunny that everyone was always squinting. The sun didn’t dry out the mud, though, and everyone’s underwear got sweaty and sticky, and they would change their underwear a dozen times a day but it didn’t help. Even the fresh underwear sitting in their drawers was wet and sticky and smelled like a crotch.

The worst thing, though, was how crowded it was. The sidewalks were packed, and no god could go anywhere without bumping into and through hundreds of others, all of whom were sticky with sweat. Gods frequently got pushed into the mud, not on purpose, but just from the swell of the crowd. If they wanted to visit anyone, it would take a very long time to get there, no matter where they were going. At least an hour, and it would be crowded on the way and they couldn’t walk at the speed they wanted because the paths were all blocked with other gods going the opposite direction, or with single gods weaving back and forth in front of them talking into telephones and unaware of their surroundings.

And one day the gods said, “enough, let’s make a better place.” And so they sat down and they became one single god, because they reasoned that this would decrease suffering. After all, the suffering of a thousand beings must be greater than that of a single being, even if that single being was composed of a thousand beings. Perhaps this was a mistaken assumption, but the gods were too itchy and uncomfortable to think about it for long.

So they made another world. It wasn’t perfect. If you had seen an infinite number of worlds you probably wouldn’t make this one. But it was so much better than the world where they lived that that they thought it was perfect. And they called it “earth,” which meant “place that isn’t so sticky.” Then, because there was now another place, they had to give their own world a name, and they called it “heaven,” which in their language means “muddy, piercingly bright place where the food smells like shit.”

So on the earth they made oceans and cities and towns, and in some of the places they put people, who were like gods only less miserable. The people would travel from one place to another, and sometimes it took too long, and the way was crowded, but not always. The people ate food, and on rare occasions the food was rotten, but most of it was ok. There were some nice, open places, and it was cloudy at times, and mostly you could get dry underwear if you really wanted it. People still got sores on their bodies or in their mouths, which was unpleasant, but they usually didn’t have sores, and so the sore was more of a nuisance than a constant reminder of how horrible life was. Thus, the people were moderately happy, and they worshipped the gods and thanked them for existence.

The people thought that the gods must live in a place far better than earth, and the people also called this place “heaven,” which in their language meant, “the best possible place that could be.” And they dreamed that when they died they would go there and be with the gods, who they imagined as perfectly happy beings. The gods thought that this was hilarious, because, really, how are you going to go anywhere after you die? and also because, if the gods lived in such a nice place why would they make a worse one? But at least it made the gods laugh, which, for a minute, made heaven a little less unbearable.