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New Year’s Resolutions

January 2nd, 2014

1. Do everything in chronological order.
2. Be more nasty and brutish, less short.
3. No more responding when Oprah Winfrey texts me a dick pic.
4. Use every part of the buffalo.

Interacting Sexually With Alien Species: A Guide

August 7th, 2013

Chapter 7: Copulating with Earth Persons

becky octopus

Section A: Pre-copulatory rituals

Many humans enjoy conversation prior to copulation. Not infrequently, humans will discuss the early part of their lives. Young humans have basically the same form as adult humans, and do not pupate or metamorphosize, though they do not express certain secondary sexual characteristics until their 13th or 14th solar cycle (see appendix A, “Tits”). Unlike most galactic intelligences, humans are generally not pod-raised, but spend an extended pre-adult phase in the company of their immediate genetic predecessors. They refer to this period as “childhood,” and it is important to note that, though they discuss this period in pre-copulative rituals, they paradoxically think of childhood as a time of absolute sexual taboo. Thus, you should not compliment their childhood activities in sexual terms, nor should you directly state that hearing about such a period in the human’s life increases your desire to copulate with the human, though it is often acceptable to indicate this by non-verbal means.

Do not copulate with humans who are protesting; this is not a part of their mating ritual, and must be respected. Humans who seek to copulate will occasionally ingest toxins prior to copulation, including such hepato-toxins as ethyl alcohol. Ingesting these toxins is not an indication that the humans wish to die and be eaten by their sexual partner after copulation. Humans refer to this poison-taking ritual as “having a drink,” and may encourage you to participate: if you are methane-based do not accept, as you will likely combust.

Humans generally begin copulation by pressing their mouth parts together. This does not mean that the human wishes you to chew off the soft parts of his her or face. Humans do not consume each other’s body parts during the sexual act (for an exception to this, see appendix F, “Should I Swallow It?”)

Although the pressing together of the mouth parts is a standard pre-copulatory ritual, it should be noted that this activity is also used to indicate greetings and farewells, and considerable time in cultural studies is needed to distinguish the different meanings of the mouth-pressings. Do not mistake a greeting or farewell mouth-pressing for a pre-copulatory mouth-pressing. (See diplomatic missive 556 for details on the difficulties faced by Consul Kkkrrrmmnn after his mistake in this matter.)

B. Copulating, finding and identifying human genitalia, dangers.

Note that humans’ genitals are not on their faces. Do not attempt to copulate with their ocular organs, as humans find this painful and offensive.

Notably, the human digestive system has two major orifices; the mouth part is located at the opposite end of the torso from the waste excretion orifice. Do not confuse these two orifices! Humans have never had a cloacal stage and are conceptually committed to a segregation of their orifices.

Upon uncovering of the genitals, note the following: Humans have only two distinct sexes. As such, humans are used to copulating with a single partner at a time. Do not suggest that your brood-mates join in the copulatory process, unless the human has expressed interest in galactic standard six-way copulatory practices.

In the event that copulation begins, be careful of the following: the human genitals are located in extremely close proximity to the human excretory orifice. Do not mistake these body parts. Do not place your ovipositor into either of these orifices. Do not, under any circumstances, lay eggs inside the human’s orifices. If you accidentally lay eggs inside a human orifice, use your beak to gently but rapidly remove the eggs before they implant.

Depending on which of the six common genital types you have, and which of the two standard genital types the human has, you should either envelop, penetrate, lave, siphon, receive, buff, electro-stimulate, or defrost the humans genital area with your own. Do not apply temperatures greater than 317 Kelvin to the human’s genitals, unless specifically asked to do so. Do not strangle, exsanguinate, or sever the human’s genitals. Humans are incapable of regrowing most organs (for exceptions see appendix Q: “Liver-fucking.”)

Humans complete copulation with a strong set of neural impulses, muscular contractions, and, in the case of one type of human genital structure, the emission of a highly biologically active fluid containing sugars, protein, and several million haploid gametes. These gametes are generally edible, though that is not considered their central purpose. Depending on the specific human culture it may be considered either impolite, or complimentary, to consume the gametes. If in doubt, ask. (For a detailed discussion, see appendix F.)

C. Post-copulatory rituals

After copulation humans may wish to continue physical contact, to enter an otiose state of semi- or non-consciousness, to ingest hot gases from a flaming tube of dried leaves (see appendix G: human intoxicants: tobacco), to discuss their current emotional state (humans have a rich vocabulary of emotional terms; those species that can only experience fear, rage and lust should attempt to be patient during these disquisitions), or to engage in extended narrative about previous life experiences, especially those occurring prior to their sexual maturation. It is important to follow humans in these rituals, or at the very least not to immediately enter a cocoon and begin pupating, as this can be taken as a sign of disrespect.

At my funeral

May 29th, 2013

I want someone to come to my funeral dressed as a clown. She should stand quietly until the officiant asks for people to come up to share memories of the deceased. Then the clown will walk silently to the microphone, honk her horn once, pull a comically over-sized handkerchief out of her sleeve, dab her eye, and slip back into the crowd.

Pick-Up Lines for Philosophers

May 29th, 2013

“Let’s put the ‘sin’ back in ‘sinn und bedeutung.'”
“I’d like to make like G.E. Moore and use my two hands to prove to you that the external world exists.”
“How do you feel about the use/mention distinction? Because if you mention it, I’ll use it.”
“I’d like to modus your ponens.”
“I’m a mereologist. I’d like to discuss the relation between your part and my hole.”
“I’m a *very* hard determinist.”

“Bald” a found poem from Kalish and Montague’s textbook on formal logic

April 16th, 2013

For each x, x is bald,
Everything is bald,
Each thing is bald,
All things are bald,
For all x, x is bald.

There is an object x such that x is bald,
For some x, x is bald,
Something is bald,
At least one thing is bald,

There is a bald thing.

My 756th Time Travel Trip

March 19th, 2013

After 755 tries, I finally succeeded in stopping World War III before it started! Sadly, I found there were a few side-effects:

1. Bell-bottoms are now just a fad from the 60s, and not a legal requirement.
2. Somehow, Newt Gingrich is no longer Emperor of Mars.
3. The Beatles were, apparently, more popular than Yoko Ono?
4. People use “toilets” to dispose of “excrement.”
5. Most household appliances and furnishings are non-sentient and inedible.
6. God is white.

My apologies for these changes, but at least we aren’t all melting in a stew of radioactive super-squid and running from the porn stars who rule our life-pods.

New Year’s Resolutions

January 1st, 2013

1. Eat more fiber
2. Invent humanity-destroying death ray
3. Make love to a space alien or former terrorist or deity
4. Jack up some motherfuckers, yo
5. Shower at least 4 times
6. Finish my memoir, “How You All Have Failed Me”

Traditional French Christmas

December 28th, 2012

The children gather by the fireside and build a giant croissant of despair upon the bones of meaning. The eldest then tells the story of “Papa Noel,” but without using the letter “e.” Stockings are filled with the lost promise of empire, and then all fall into a fitful sleep and experience a dream where sex and death become one.

Yelling in America

August 26th, 2012

I’m hungry, and America is yelling,
I’m alone, and America yells,
I surf the internet in my underpants and read the yells of America.
America’s yelling drowns out my TV
When I’m watching a show about yelling.

America is not just a place
America is not just an idea
America is not just an actor on the world stage
America is more:
America is the freedom to yell
reinterpreted as the obligation to yell.

The Lament of Todd Akin

August 25th, 2012

Todd AKin

O, America, why are you yelling at me?
I misspoke! I misspoke!
I only meant to say that rape
Real, honest-to-goodness, no-doubt rape
Is bad. Really really

So what I was saying, is, basically:
Rape is bad.
How can you argue with that
Unless you’re some slut who was fake raped?
I mean, I’m not accusing, I’m just saying

Just saying: rape, that’s a bad thing
When it happens to Christian girls.