Would you rather be an antelope who flosses every day and believes in God, or a water buffalo who dropped out of college because he thought he knew better than his teachers, but now he’s a meth addict?

If you chose the water buffalo, you were correct! There is no God.

The first in a series of motion picture scripts, available exclusively here at Spoonbot:

Scene: American Military Headquarters. A large, sterile room dominated by an enormous television screen. The room is full of nervous looking military bureaucrats, who stare anxiously at the screen.

Camera zooms in on General Steele, gray-haired but strong-shouldered embodiment of military might. He turns as the door to his right opens.

Pan to:

Lt. Colonel Liza Warrior entering the scene. Lt. Col. Warrior is to be played by a woman whose breasts express military discipline, but also a come-hither sensuality. Her top button should be unbuttoned, revealing just the outer rim of her areolas.

Lt. Col. Warrior: We’ve just received news…the enemy is moving in very tight formation…towards earth itself!

Click here for the rest of the script!

Remembrance of Things Past: A man eats a cookie and remembers a lot of stuff.

Crime and Punishment: A guy with a leather couch does something he regrets.

The Bible: An angry god mellows out when, late in life, he has a kid.

Lolita: A widower takes his stepdaughter for a very long car ride.

The final season found the show moved to Burbank, and Cindy Williams departing from the cast. It was a time of reflection, reappraisal, and growth.

Why has Shirley left?
What does the show’s title mean?
O Carmine! Alone…

California
Was too small for two such as
Laverne and Shirley.

In New York City
Carmine dances with hippies
1968!

Lenny and Squiggy:
California well suits
Your lifestyle choice.

No friend, no sidekick
Laverne, in her mid thirties
Contemplates the end.

Samantha looks sad;
Darren is right next to her…
but Darren is gone.

When Darren is new
it is Fall on our TV’s,
Winter in our hearts.

Why, Mrs. Kravitz,
do you notice everything
except new Darren?

Samantha Stevens
Has magic powers but she
Has a mean husband.

It was going so well
The lawn was mowing itself
Damn Mrs. Kravitz!

First one Darren leaves
Then another one appears:
Samantha is magic.

African Americans: expert lovemaking

Asians: understand complicated cameras

Homosexuals: good at making friends

Hispanics: have cars that jump up and down

Mentally Retarded Children: lovable

Would you rather live in a supermarket or on a fire truck?

Would you rather be a beautiful naked woman or a fierce swordsman warrior?

Would you rather have a whole room full of candy or a superpowered friend?

Would you rather be a cool backpack with lots of pockets, or a diner menu?

Would you rather befriend a nuclear missile or an otter?

Eskimos have a hundred words for snot.

The Oxford English Dictionary was written by a seven-year girl.

“Japanese” is the official language of “Japan.”

There is no word in English for “under.” English speakers have to say “not over, but that other thing.”

The name “Hawaii” comes from the sound that white people make when they fart.

There are only 25 letters in the alphabet; “Q” isn’t a letter: it’s an abomination in the eyes of God.

Most computer languages contain no word for “ketchup.”

Food:

Food is any substance, usually composed primarily of carbohydrates, fats, water and/or proteins, that can be eaten or drunk by an animal or human being for nutrition or pleasure.

10. The crab nebula

9. Charles Nelson Reilly

8. Tooth enamel

7. Pi

6. The Treaty of Versailles

5. Vacation pay

4. Antique collectors

3. Wood

2. The 15^th century

1. Love