In a recent experimental philosophy project, we posed the following question to 35 undergraduate students who were taking a remedial ethics course:

You have two chickens. One of them has superpowers (bulletproof, superstrong, eye-beams.) The other chicken has no superpowers but lays delicious eggs every morning. Which chicken would you be more likely to elect to congress? Now, which chicken would you be more like to saute in a light cream sauce? For most respondents, it’s the same chicken, which says something interesting about our moral intuitions.

1. The Proof from Prayer
It’s been repeatedly shown that prayer is ineffectual in producing any causal changes in the world. That’s because the laws of physics say that only material forces can effect material change. And who wrote the laws of physics? God did. If there were no God, there’d be no laws of physics, and you could prove God didn’t exist by praying to Him and then having something happen, because anything could happen if there were no Godly laws. But when you pray, nothing happens except that you look like an idiot. Therefore, God exists.

2.The Proof from Homosexuality
Gay men do gross things with their butts, but gay lesbian women are awesome and should be on television. As the Bible tells us, God is a straight male. So it makes sense that when he made homosexuality, he’d make girl-on-girl action super hot to watch, and make gay penis sex uncool so that only Republican senators and youth ministers would do it. Therefore, God exists.

3. The Proof from Suffering
God is all good. And goodness is equal to justice. And justice is equal to giving rewards to the worthy, and punishment to the guilty. And yet, all over the world it seems like innocent people are suffering. But have you ever met anyone who wouldn’t tie you to a stake and cut your eyes out if it would get them laid or access to a lot of cheesecake? So everyone sucks. So we should all suffer. But only some of us suffer. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. God’s justice is mysterious. And only existent things are mysterious, so God must exist.

4. The Proof from Orgasms
Orgasms. So God exists.

(Previous Installment in this Series of Proofs)