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Things Today’s Teens Do

Femtocuddling: cuddling for the briefest possible amount of time. Originally done by young males as the minimal post-coital cuddle, now has become an event in itself, with teens attempting, sometimes through technological means, to cuddle so briefly that they achieve Planck-state affection.

Roof Tarring: in parts of the Pacific Northwest, teens discovered that the fumes from roofing tar produced a mildly intoxicated state. They then began “free-tarring,” i.e. illegally trespassing on the property of homeowners with poorly weather-proofed roofs, and illicitly tarring these roofs so as to catch the fumes (sometimes called “doing a roofie.”)

Politicizing Infants
: big amongst teen-aged supporters of tariffs on manufactured goods, this involves attempting to sway the opinions of infants by offering them greater job security and mother’s milk. You’ll occasionally see infants wearing “Made In The USA” onesies, and these are usually victims of the politically mis-guided teenagers.

Phone-poling: the act of climbing up a telephone pole while dressed as an official telephone company technician. The teens then wave joyously to passersby and shout Anglicisms like “hullo, guv’nor!” or “pip! pip! cheerio!” The purpose of this activity is still unknown.

One Response to “Things Today’s Teens Do”

  1. Elmira Mctague Says:

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