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FAQ for my Students: The Rapture

Rapture

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Q: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper?
A: Yes. The odds are you will not be judged worthy of ascent to heaven, in which case your grades will still be a basis of judgment for rewards in this earthly sphere.

Q: What if my instructor is raptured?
A: None of our instructors bear much chance of being judged worthy. However, on the off chance your instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place.

Q: If my mother/father/grandfather/grandmother/favorite aunt/etc. is chosen, will I be excused from the final so that I may mourn his/her loss?
A: No. They have not died, but been granted eternal life, thus this does not count as a case of a death in the family.

Q: If my instructor is not raptured, is he really fit to judge me?
A: Yes, seeing as you were not raptured, you are still subject to the earthly judgment of the unsaved. If/when you are redeemed, a change of grade form will be automatically processed by heavenly authorities if they decide your grade was unfairly given by one of the damned.

Q: If my computer crashes and my printer breaks and there is no email on account of the rapture, will I be able to get an extension on the paper?
A: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and your printer should continue to work the way they always have: sporadically.

Q: How will the rapture affect your curving, particularly if raptured students are exempt from final tests/papers?
A: Final grades are not curved, but students who are taken up in the rapture will be given incompletes, just in case.

65 Responses to “FAQ for my Students: The Rapture”

  1. Big Weekend Plans? FAQ for Students: The Rapture | UK Progressive Says:

    [...] with permission (and coffee dripping out nose) very funny people. -Ed. To see the original… [...]

  2. Exploring Our Matrix: FAQ for Students Regarding the Rapture | No Country For Sane Men Says:

    [...] Students Regarding the Rapture I’m grateful to Charles Häberl for drawing to my attention the following FAQ a professor made for students regarding the rapture, which some professors whose classes are not yet done may wish to distribute to their own students [...]

  3. Deb Geisler Says:

    Brilliant!

  4. Rapture FAQ | PUBLIC SCHOOL Says:

    [...] the world does end on Saturday, here is a list of responses for you to help guide them through.By: Charles HaberlQ: With the rapture coming, should I bother working on my final paper? A: Yes. The odds are you will [...]

  5. George Worthington Says:

    I’m so thankful for the humor . . . otherwise I’d be in tears. To recognize that we’ve made it into the 21st century, yet a significant minority of the population believes in superstitious ideas such as The Rapture and other religious, apocalyptic twaddle makes me worry for our collective future. There is no way to respond to this nonsense with reason. Humor, however, does seem like a very good response so thank you again for this post so very much. I also heard some people are offering to care for the pets of those who are “raptured”! At least let’s keep smiling and laughing.

  6. Chas. Brown Says:

    It’s too bad I am planning on turning in grades tomorrow. I should really wait until Monday.

  7. Carol Gallo Says:

    Hilarious, I love it!

  8. Jen Says:

    Look, I don’t claim to know when the rapture will occur, nor do I pretend to. I do, however, have a problem with people who have a problem with my beliefs. If I feel a need to go out to a street corner and preach the Word of God every day until the end of time, that’s my business. I would like to know why there is now a growing trend towards the brutal teasing of Christians. Personally, I think the people who laugh and joke about Christian “superstitions” are the same people who feel a certain amount of curiosity about our beliefs. You don’t understand us, and you may even feel threatened by us. It’s like the childhood bully on the playground- he/she pushes the little kids around because he/she is really afraid themselves. I don’t mind if you think I’m crazy…I’m supposed to be different from the world, as a Child of God. Push me around all you want, enough so that you can convince yourself that Christians are wrong. Believe what you want, but what if you’re wrong? I can’t show you Heaven or let you interview Christ, but I can assure you that I feel something very real when I pray. I have had many doubts myself, but I’m always reassured that God is real and that Jesus died to save my life. It’s a beautiful story, really. I can’t ignore it or turn away from it. I’m His forever, and it’s a wonderful feeling. I highly recommend it. :)

  9. John Cowan Says:

    Jen, I’m sympathetic with your feelings. But saying “Believe what you want, but what if you’re wrong?” is just Pascal’s wager (“Bet on God, because if you lose, you lose nothing, but if you win, you win everything”), and it really doesn’t hold up. Where will you be if the real God turns out to be a scientific type who has very little patience with people who believe things without evidence?

    I don’t believe in God or an afterlife myself, but I have every sympathy with people who do believe because it makes them feel better. It happens that I’m not constitutionally able to do that myself. But when believers try to reason others into belief, their arguments are invariably no good, and when they try to employ coercion, that’s the worst argument of all.

    Lastly, there are of course very many sincere and convinced Christians who think dispensational premillennialism is nonsense and bad theology to boot, and take seriously Jesus’ words about “no man knows the day”.

  10. Christoph Says:

    I am a Christian. But belief in the rapture is most certainly not Christian. No Christian for the first nineteen centuries of the religion believed it, and only a few extremely fringe fruit-loops believe it today. I applaud mocking the rapture. But please, don’t call it “Christian.”

  11. Ban the Jews Says:

    Professor sounds like an atheist fuck. Ban him!

  12. squeak larue Says:

    jen: if you, for one tiny second, believe it is the “christians” who are being bullied or threatened, i invite you to please review the last thousand years, give or take, of western history. i believe you have your protagonists and antagonists backwards.
    am pretty sure penguin has a fine book on it.
    or just turn on fox news. they have stories about it. daily.

  13. Even More Rapture-y Goodness | Professor Mondo Says:

    [...] a facebook (and real-life) friend, a professor considers his or her students’ Rapture FAQ — I’m surprised Mondoville’s Dark Tower didn’t make us add this to our [...]

  14. Nomad Says:

    I have no problem with people believing anything they want to believe, but I resent being told what I have to believe. I resent having to run a gauntlet of whackos standing on street corners yelling at me. I resent whackos leaving litter in public men’s rooms telling me I am going to hell. The superstition doesn’t bother me as much as the litter.

    People who call themselves “christian” spend too much time restricting my choices in all things: clothing, sex partners, marriage, healthcare (abortion and stem cell research are not the only things.) recreation, etc. They have earned a lot more than some teasing.

    Lucky for them I am against smiting.

  15. The Rapture | nomadmu Says:

    [...] FAQ for my Students [...]

  16. A different Jen Says:

    I don’t know, it seems like pretty brutal teasing to tell most of the population that they are wretched people, soon to be damned to 5 months of hell on earth and then hell in the regular place after that.

    But perhaps that’s just me and my difficulty with revenge fantasies.

  17. socialnotworking: How are you spending your last day? Says:

    [...] http://spoonbot.com/wordpress/?p=168   Contact/Feedback · Colophon · Labs [...]

  18. Rob Says:

    @Jen – If you don’t like what’s on, change the channel. It’s what I have to do every Sunday morning when every channel south of Bravo is full of Christian Dogma.

  19. AArtaud Says:

    What Christoph said.

  20. FAQ For Students Regarding the Rapture | Exploring Our Matrix Says:

    [...] GA_googleAddAttr(“author”, “JamesFMcGrath”); ShareSince my post sharing the gem below from SpoonBlog has been getting a lot of traffic, I thought I’d cross-post it here on my new blog location [...]

  21. Wesley Says:

    Hey, Jen, sorry you feel all “discriminated” against for being a Christian, but you must admit that your tribe really deserves a lot more than some humorous takes on your beliefs. Why is that? Because your tribe constantly judges others by impossible standards, standards that even members of your faith cannot uphold (Gingrich and all the other multiple adulteres who swear they are good Christians…blech!). Also, your Christian attitudes toward gay and lesbian people should be enough to send you all back to your little black books and find out what Christianity really means. Your hypocrisy and your whining about Christians being subjugated actually makes me sick. Enjoy your Sunday, cause y’all ain’t going nowhere tomorrow.

  22. Prediction of the World To End on Saturday - Page 5 Says:

    [...] instructor is chosen, an army of unemployed secular Marxists is waiting to take his/her place. FAQs for finals The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent are full of [...]

  23. University Diaries » In preparation for Saturday… Says:

    [...] Answers to frequently asked questions. [...]

  24. edinblack Says:

    What a different Jen said.

  25. Stewart Dean Says:

    Jen: a growing trend towards the brutal teasing of Christians
    a) this is restricted to hysterically evangelical Christians, not to the broad span of Protestants and Catholics
    b) if you’ve ever lived as a non-adherent in the heartland of evangelical Christianity, you might be aware of how completely such non-adherents are shunned and reviled. The worm has turned, just as it will for the Tea Party: if you are a humorless, self-righteous zealot, you will (and should be) dished up as a mean-spirited fool and dingbat.

  26. NoYourGod Says:

    @Jen – the idea that christians have suddenly become the downtrodden is 100% pure unadulterated BS. Look at those in line to run for President of the U.S. – the incumbent is an unabashed christian, and all of the big-name GOP contenders are hardcore christians. Shoot – Newt is a hypocrite, adulterous, lying sack of dog feces, yet christians love him because he has found their flavor of mythical creator….

    Personally, I only have problems with christians (muslims/jews/buddhists/etc) when THEY have a problem with ME. For example, when they insist that I live my life based on their mythological guidebook, trying to encode their beliefs into law. If you feel the need to read your ten commandments when you walk in to a government building, the by all means carry a copy of them with you (tattooed on the back of your hand?) if you wish. Don’t chisel them into the building itself, as folks who have other commandments or none at all will also use that building. You don’t like/approve of gays and/or premarital sex and/or any of a thousand other things? Cool! Don’t be gay/have premarital sex/do any of those other thousand things! However, others may not have such reservations.

    Proselytizing door to door sucks – I don’t pound on your door declaring that the belief system you have thought long and hard over your entire life sucks, so don’t do the same to me. If the local laws allow you to preach at a street corner – fire away. But if I ignore you please let me pass in peace. You do that, and I won’t bring an air horn with me the next time I pass.

    I am a big fan of religious freedom. That freedom gives you the right to build a church to invite others into. That freedom does NOT give you the right to take over society (look how well that worked out for Afghanistan).

  27. http://spoonbot.com/wordpress/… | irishmark.net Says:

    [...] http://spoonbot.com/wordpress/?p=168 Share this:EmailTwitterPrint 20 May 2011 at 5:00 pm | by: Mark | Cat: Tweet | No Comments » Meta [...]

  28. KevDog Says:

    Jen,

    More to the point, why would you think it acceptable for Christians to exercise their 1st Amendment rights and tell people they are heathens damned to suffer while condemning those who exercise theirs by making light of completely unfounded claims.

    Saturday will come and go, as it always does; but I don’t expect to hear anyone abandon their beliefs as a result of this non-event.

  29. Stone Mason Says:

    @Jen the first – it is unbelievable that Christians should take umbrage at a little good-humored satire like this when mainstream Christian leaders are raping children without facing any serious consequences. Imagine, if you will, a multinational corporation involved in daycare whose officers systematically raped their charges (“sex abuse” is too mild a euphemism – it is unadulterated rape). Do you think that corporation could exist for even 1 day after the story broke? It would be hounded out of existence by a righteously outraged public.

    But let that rape happen in a church under the auspices of religious governance, and it gets conveniently swept under their pious rug.

    There is no clearer indication that the Christian god is a figment of collective delusional imagination than to see His supposed acolytes raping children within the walls of His own house – and He does NOTHING to stop or prevent it. Really? He was down with that? It was part of His grand plan?

    And you’re upset that some nonbelievers are teasing Christians about the world ending tomorrow? THAT’S what’s got your panties in a bunch?

    Until Christians actually start living Christ-like lives (be kind to others, judge not and for god’s sake don’t kill anybody because they don’t believe, etc.) and start focusing their ire first and foremost on their coreligionists who fail to live up to their own standards, they will deserve no respect in public discourse.

    Didn’t Christ talk about removing a mote from your eye before you try to extract a speck from your brother’s eye. Well raping kids is a pretty big mote. As is the legacy of murder and genocide that is your undying shame (Jerusalem 1099, Cathars 1209, Columbus 1492, ad nauseum). I should think your faith would allow you to bear the slings and arrows of a few jests while you work out how to atone for the sins of your Fathers.

  30. Will Says:

    Will any true rapture believer let me buy an option on all of their property, all of it, $100 for their house, say, is a nice start – since they will not require a house, raiment, food, etc. after saturday(?) No takers? None?

  31. Joseph Schwoerer Says:

    I don’t have the eloquent vocabulary that Stone Mason has but I completely agree with him on this subject. Just have a coke and a smile and shut the hell up already about being made fun of. I choose not to follow any religion just because I don’t believe any of the multitudes of religions have their facts straight, yet I still believe there is a god and that when the day of judgement comes he/she/it will see me for the person I am in my heart not for which religion I followed when I was alive nor for how many people I converted to said religion. And just for the record, I am not against religions. I was raised by my mother who is wiccan and my great-grandmother who is a hardcore jehovah’s witness and I have read many different religious texts before making my choice to not follow a certain religion. I found from reading those many different holy books that even though they are all fundamentally different, the basics of each religion are the same: Be a good person and try to live your life the best way possible without hurting others. I do not judge you for your choice in following christianity because it is not my place to judge you for your choices. I will say that most of the people who say they are devout in their religious beliefs are actually hypocrites and have violated their religious tenants worse than people who aren’t followers of their religions. Just be a good person and follow your heart and ignore those who would try to goad you into sinking to their level and you’ll most likely be seen as a good person in the eyes of your god and other people too.

  32. Michael Lasswell Says:

    You can tell who is the biggest A-Hole in any given situation by finding the person who loses their sense of humor first. Personally, I wish God would judge us by our ability to laugh at ourselves and our generosity of spirit. To the respondents who chose to be mortally offended at this gentle bit of satire I quote the great songwriter Susan Werner : “Why is your Heaven so small.”

  33. Weekend Reading: Graduation 2011 Edition - ProfHacker - The Chronicle of Higher Education Says:

    [...] important to be practical when confronted with the rapture: Everyone in tech and IT departments is of Satan’s party, so the internet, your computer, and [...]

  34. The Rapture Will Be Televised - Tweed - The Chronicle of Higher Education Says:

    [...] blog spoonbot.com has devised a helpful FAQ for professors to share with their students regarding Saturday’s event. An [...]

  35. Mankind Olawale Oyewumi Says:

    The general world of God cannot by tomorrow end.Star-gazers and fortune tellers may try,every mortal has his own destiny to bear.And though Zodiacal signs and science imply the opposite,tomorrow,no global death comes to pass.But do not rejoice much,my dear,if your ways qualify for hell.For in this world of God,only clean souls deserve eternity.And though the heavens fall,the good to the good abode go!

  36. Matt Says:

    shorter response to Jen: I don’t give a shit about you or your rediculous beliefs nor do i give a shit that you are offended. Blow it out your ass.

  37. Sooky Says:

    I am a christian and i do believe in a rapture, but for those who are struggling with this hilarious piece… please relax a bit. 2000 was the end, 2012 will be the end, the world wars were the end and in the bible Jesus said that his disciples would not go through all the towns in Israel before he came back. In the end it doesn’t matter when the rapture comes. deadline is the deadline. either your lived a good life or you didn’t. God would certainly want you to do your best up until the very end. That includes turning in your final papers and not using the rapture as a lazy excuse not to do it.

  38. Marie Says:

    “Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones.”
    —Marcus Aurelius

  39. edinblack Says:

    Marcus Aurelius FTW!

  40. Midday open thread - Online Political Blog Says:

    [...] rapture FAQ from a teacher to his students. My favorite: Q: If my [...]

  41. Kim S Says:

    God gave me many gifts: a sense of humor and an enjoyment of sex and acceptance of all mankind chief among them. Too many of my fellow Christians seem to consider any or all of these traits as sins.

    Difficult to believe.

  42. Yahzi Says:

    If I feel a need to go out to a street corner and preach the Word of God every day until the end of time, that’s my business.

    So you’re saying that if you want to stand on a corner and tell other people their business, it’s your business, and while you’re telling them why they are sinners who deserve to go to hell, you’ll be offended if they tell you you’re a loon who deserves to be laughed at?

    I realize self-awareness is hard, but try to understand: the loss of privilege is not the same as persecution. Just because you can no longer judge other people without yourself being judged is not the same thing as unfairness.

  43. Debblinguist Says:

    Hilarious! Thanks for this! I can’t stop laughing!

  44. Peter T. Says:

    If you want a concise accounting of the barbarism of the Old Testament, check out Sam Harris’s brilliant, Letter To A Christian Nation. If you’re interested in the innumerable alterations made by countless scribes to the New Testament, read Bart Erhman’s Misquoting Jesus. Or you could just read the damn book itself and realize it is a thoroughly man-made work of wonder, insight, hideous barbarism, historical inaccuracies, misogyny, and everything else under the Sun. But divine it ain’t!
    Peter T.

  45. The End Is Nigh | Foleyville Says:

    [...] I’ve been looking for a way to mark this occasion when I came across a particularly funny take on the topic: FAQ for my Students: The Rapture. There are six items on the list, and it’s [...]

  46. Ana of the Communications Department Says:

    Many of my students are waiting for a raptor…what should I tell them?

  47. Webar Says:

    To anyone that feels that this FAQ is offensive to Christians, you are missing the point. It’s supposed to be offensive to college students and IT tech support.

  48. Shel Horowitz - Green/Ethical Marketing Expert Says:

    Oh, man, this is hysterical. I laughed all the way through! thanks for brightening my day. I’m tweeting and sending this link around.

  49. The Student Success Blog: Teaching Strategies to Improve Graduation Rates and Student Retention | The Student Success Blog Says:

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  50. Post-Rapture News | varnam Says:

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  51. Dr. Signe A. Dayhoff - Social Psychologist Says:

    This spoof is wonderful. As for its attacking Christians, sorry, but no. Only 20-40 million believe in the Rapture. That’s a whole lot fewer than the number of Christians around. It’s too bad that beliefs tend to become equated with “truth” whether we’re talking about religion or anything else. Believing doesn’t make it so any more than feeling something is makes it so. Yes, absolutely believe what you want but don’t foist it on others. When I attended Baylor University, I was constantly being attacked by the self-proclaimed elected religious people who challenged, coerced, and tried to manipulate me to become one of their own. It was made clear to me they gained “points” with God for each soul they “saved.” I can’t count the number of times I was condemned to hell by them because I believed as I chose to and act toward others with kindness without infringing upon their rights to exist without intrusion. I may not be religiously inclined but I believe in respecting others, doing unto others as you would have them do unto you, being caring, and compassionate, and helping your fellow human beings where and whenever possible irrespective of their religious beliefs. And I act on those precepts to the best of my ability whether that gives me a divine right to “rapture” or not. So those who feel they have the right to intrude, infringe, and attack me for simply being “not one of them” have to expect some repercussions, like a questioning of their aggerssive and often-brutal actions and some humor at their expense.

  52. Jan Wezgray Says:

    I am not one of your students. I have, however, enjoyed this to the point of near death from lack of oxygen. This is true comedy.

  53. Profidia Wolford Says:

    I believe the idea of Christianity (this may apply to other religions) is to do as Jesus required, “Love one another, in doing so you have fulfilled all the law.” I don’t see the love in bombing, starving children, (in the US and elsewhere) holding us hostage to oil prices that could have been replaced wit PV 40 years ago, refusing medical care for lack of money; you could add to the list, yes?

    I read the red letter words (words of Jesus) in the New Testament and try to follow them as best I can; would that our ‘Christian leaders’ would do the same.

    Empires rise and fall, so what? The BP Gulf disaster, some mystery comet, and Fukushima may be the Apocalypse for all I know, (and I don’t know) what I do know is to live well today and that includes laughing. This made me laugh out loud and I narrowing missed the eds. act of spewing coffee out my nose when I read it.

    It is an internally tormented person indeed that cannot laugh at themselves and an incredible ego maniacal person who thinks God needs to be defended or is offended by criticism.

    “Whatever you have done to the least of these, you have done to me.” J I interpret that to mean that we are all one being laboring under the illusion that we are separate from God. Tisk-tisk, such as simple thing, so hard for some to ‘get.’

    “Come on people now, let’s get together, try to love one another right now.” © The Youngbloods, circa 1967
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NJm1Yzjvr1U
    Maybe you missed some of the words years ago…you know…the pot fog…..

    “Come on people now, let’s get together…….”

  54. Britneys Video Blog » Blog Archive » Midday open thread Says:

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  55. Will Says:

    I thought rapture was all about sex!

    Will

  56. Pilar Says:

    “First Jen,” I am sorry this has troubled you–I thought the original posting/FAQ was funny in an irreverent way, but I dont think it’s a sign of poor character to be offended by it either.

    I’ve offended many people in my life, in various ways, and am often clueless as to how or why. But that doenst mean I am right and they are wrong–it just means we weren’t clicking with or “getting” each other. Corinthians something:something: Just because my conscience is clear does not mean I am right.

    Apropos of these musings, more troubling to me are the various diatribes in response to First Jen’s concerns.

    The fact is, faith cannot be explained or reasoned by logic. But I submit it is just so much human hubris to think its a flaw of God that we humans cannot adequately describe or understand Him. IMO, we often reject God/Christ/religious teachings etc, out of plain, simple willful pride that refuses to let us bend our knee/bow our heads to a greater authority, and because the burden of following Him/Them are too great. And then we base that refusal on the pretext that it cannot be true because we cant understand it.

    As to the bad and even execrable behavior of some self-styled Christians, or anyone else for that matter: well, to paraphrase the Time Bandits, “I think it has something to do with free will.” No, God doesnt intercede, and yes, that causes many Christians great qualms and we struggle as we try to explain these things to ourselves. But, to very loosely paraphrase Calvin in his Golden Book, there’s a value and purpose even in these challenges to our faith, and they can clarify our faith as we turn to God for succor.

    Finally, for those offended by the speaking out and urging of Christ, I am sorry if it bothers you, bit is a basic tenet of Christian faith that we are meant to go out and evangelize. Not necessarily in the door-to-door come-a-knockin’ way (not that that’s wrong, if it works for you), but certainly by showing our faith in our actions, talking about our faith, and inviting friends and strangers to join us at church and share in our faith. If we didnt do this, for fear of offending some, others who need some prompting/help to get to God, and to recognize His Grace, might never get there, and that would be the real shame.

  57. “The End Is Nigh” – May 21, 2011 | Baha'i Rants Says:

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  58. Alabamian Says:

    I realize this comment is probably too late to be read, but the tone of some of these replies requires an answer. First, I believe Jen-the-first was replying to George Worthington, not the FAQ. Second, all of the anti-Jen posters seem to be attributing beliefs to Jen without actually knowing what she believes. Not all Christians are anti-gay or require abstinence before marriage. Third, secular Marxism gives religion a run for its money in terms of deaths. See the Soviet gulags, the Great Leap Forward, and Pol Pot to name a few. Finally, for all of you complaining about how Christians are restricting your live, please name for me that last 5 instances in which a Christian actually prevented you from doing something or made you feel bad about doing something.
    I grew up as an a-religious type in Alabama. My secular friends and myself always complained about the “repression”. But as I grew older and lest hysterical, I realized that I couldn’t think of one actual instance in which a Christian had done anything mean or restrictive to me. The best I could come up with was group prayers before sporting events. How much of a jerk would I have to be to get bent out of shape about other folks’ sincere desire for solemn bonding? I mean, it doesn’t hurt me at all to have a reflective moment of silence.
    Despite the comments, kudos to the FAQ.

  59. Rosa Says:

    This is hilarious.

  60. Ame Says:

    I love this FAQ! XD
    As for myself, I do believe in god and truly believe that god IS scientific. Let’s just look at our brain’s ability of logic and reason, not using it because it against god would be the greatest loophole of all. We tend to picture god as a rather human-like being with super powers, which in my opinion is where we got it all wrong and lost the concept of what god truly is. And I absolutely agree with what Joseph Scroewer said about the basic of all religions: “Be a good person and try to live your life the best way possible without hurting others.” And the world will end unless we take a good care of it (well, at least Earth’s nature will..).

  61. Recommended Reading: Have a Nice Doomsday! » Eric Pazdziora Says:

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  62. Zoombwaz Says:

    To Alabamian:

    You “couldn’t think of one actual instance in which a Christian had done anything mean or restrictive”?

    Really?

    You challenge folks to come up with 5 instances. Why five? Are you under the impression that four instances of Christian intolerance is an acceptable number, but that somehow five crosses the line? I’ll take your challenge, and give you five instances just in the US and just in the last century, which excludes such Christian love fests as the Crusades, the Spanish Inquisition, the forced conversions of the Mayans and Incas, the murder by immolation at the stake of Joan of Arc for heresy, and the Salem witch trials. That’s five there. Now to my top five, all in the US, all since 1911.

    First, where the hell do you think antiabortion laws come from? Or the beliefs of those who think it their God-given right to harass, stalk, or murder doctors who perform abortions? That’s one.

    Or laws banning gay marriage, not to mention antiquated laws, some still on the books, that banned gay sex itself, or current campaigns to recriminalize it, up to and including making homosexuality a capital offense (the CEO of Diebold…remember Diebold? They helped Bush steal the 2004 election in Ohio…is a member of one such group). That’s two.

    How about forcing non-Christian children to participate in Christian school prayer, before the Supreme Court banned it, and demonstrating that they still haven’t got a clue on that issue by whining about the ban and insisting that prayer be reinstated? Three.

    Or how about Prohibition? A disastrous attempt at Christian social engineering, it was the single largest contributor to the creation of organized crime as we know it today, and was brought to us in large part courtesy of the WCTU…the Women’s Christian Temperance Union. Four.

    Fifth, the ongoing attempt to spread ignorance by insisting on teaching the Genesis myth of creation as if it was on a par with evolution as a science, once again forcing nonbelievers to learn religious dogma as if it was fact.

    Bonus sixth intrusion of the lives of others. Insisting falsely that the US was founded as a Christian Nation, based on God’s Law, despite a mountain of evidence to the contrary, including the Constitutional ban on any religious test for public office, the Treaty of Tripoli of 1797-98, which stated in section 5 that the US was not in any way a Christian nation, signed by President John Adams, a founder, and unanimously ratified by the Senate, which at the time counted seven founders among its members. Not to mention the complete writings and letters of James Madison and Thomas Jefferson, founders and presidents (fourth and third, respectively) in the Archives on the libraries of James Madison University and the University of Virginia (founded by Jefferson), which clearly show the determination of both men to keep religion out of the body politic. The significance here is their identificationas the primary authors of the //declaration of Independence (Jefferson) and the Constitution (Madison).

    Double bonus 7th: the refusal by Christian pharmacists to fill prescriptions that don’t hew to their rigid moralistic dogma.

    With my first list of five, that makes an even dozen, just off the top of my head. I’d call that a slam dunk.

    Meanwhile, where do you get off linking secularism with Marxism, which is an economic model (and a piss-poor one, at that), not a religious position. Just because Marxism is secularist, it does not follow that secularism is Marxist. In fact, secularism is the official, Constitutionally mandated position of the United States of America, whose founding predates the birth of Karl Marx by 42 years and the publishing of The Communist Manifesto by 72. Secular means nonreligious, and nothing more, so can the “secular Marxism” bullshit.

  63. Stone Mason Says:

    Kudos to Zoombwaz!

    I can rattle off a few more instances where Christians are hate-filled zealots trying to control our lives:

    1. Coercing the government to prevent researchers from using stem-cells to create life-saving drugs for some of the truly horrible diseases their loving god has seen fit to afflict innocent children. Does Alabamian think that isn’t hurting anyone?

    2. Invading the privacy of military funerals to protest against the mourners of fallen heroes with hateful messages from their god. This is just beyond belief – pun intended.

    3. Scaring children and gullible adults with claims that the world was going to end in May of this year, raking in millions from deluded and frightened people, ruining many lives in the process.

    4. Creating a hostile atmosphere in the US Air Force officer corps against everyone who does not hold and actively promote born-again Christian beliefs. A cabal of fundamentalist Christian high-ranking officers makes sure that non-believers are shuttled off to dead-end jobs within the Air Force. Very heartwarming to know that fundamentalists have the inside track for access to our nation’s nuclear arsenal. What could possibly go wrong there? Suddenly, living in a Blue State doesn’t seem as safe, does it?

    5. Allowing officers of the church (priests) to rape children and avoid the harsh civil and criminal consequences of their actions. Ask the rape victims if they feel bad about that.

    6. Beating to death homosexuals because Christians believe gays are an abomination to their god, not to mention lynching blacks because Christians believed “coloreds” are an abomination to their god.

    7. Publicly and antagonistically burning the written scriptures of another faith to provoke a murderous outrage on the part of that book’s acolytes, knowing full well that such action would necessarily result in the deaths of innocents – which it in fact did. Although there is no excuse for Afghani Muslims killing uninvolved Buddhist Nepalese for the burning of their Koran by Christian zealots in the US, this despicable act by followers of Christ is no less reprehensible – it’s an affront to the millions of peace-loving American Muslims.

    8. Committing genocidal mass murder and systematic rape in Bosnia just a few decades ago. I thought we had moved beyond that, but Christian Serbs proved that there is no evolution in religious belief. This wasn’t political – it was religious-based hatred.

    9. Preventing me and tens of millions of Americans from exercising our right to play poker in our homes. The government’s war on poker stems from Bush-era Justice Dept’s Christian-driven moral crusade against gambling (except where they get their cut… F*cking hypocrites!).

    10. Forcing me to pay higher taxes because they (Christians) get government sponsorship of their religious practices, either through faith-based public funding initiatives, through grants and most significantly through tax exemptions and tax deductions.

    11. Political oppression of non-believers by Christians is pervasive. Although we represent somewhere between 15 and 30 percent of the general population, we have zero representation at the federal level and almost zero at the state and local level. Why? No openly atheistic candidate has ever successfully run for public office because Christians prejudicially vote against non-believers regardless of their political stance and despite the Constitutional mandate that there be no religious-based litmus test to hold office. Most Christians would sooner embrace a fundamentalist Muslim than share a platform with an avowed atheist.

    12. Telling kids that masturbation is a sin – totally messing up their enjoyment of a healthy, natural process and creating millions of sexually dysfunctional people the rest of us have to deal with. What kind of perverted, twisted, hateful thinking got something as benign as touching yourself tossed off the can-do list?

    13. After two millennia and a hundred generations, still blaming the Jews for killing Jesus. Really? Setting aside the fact that it was the Romans who swung the hammers, Mel Gibson and every other loving Christian should be kissing the ass of every Jew they meet because, had their lord and savior not been nailed to a plank on Gethsemane, Mel and his ilk would have to answer for their own egregious sins themselves. Where would that leave them? Neck-deep in a shitstorm of brimstone, I should think, roasting for eternity in the hellish dominion they so gleefully prepared for others. Clearly, Christians owe Jews an enormous debt of gratitude. But, instead of thanking Jews for fostering an atmosphere of insurrection that lead to the blessed crucifiction (and, no, that’s not a typo if you really think about it…), Christians continue to spew spittle-laced hatred and venom at the hapless Hebrew race – rather forgetting, in the process, the whole turn-the-other-cheek business advocated by the one whom they profess to worship and follow. Amusing, isn’t it?

    They are wrong in so many ways: A)it wasn’t Jews, it was Romans; B) If it had been Jews, then they were following god’s plan; C) Christ HAD to be crucified by somebody to in order to be able to pay for their sins, so the crucifixion was a GOOD thing, ergo the people responsible for it did them a favor; D) even if it was the Jews acting against gods plan and hurting Jesus wrongfully, Jesus commands Christians to turn the other cheek and leave retribution to his father on judgment day. No matter how you slice it, Christians need to stop hating Jews if they hold any shred of their faith to be true.

    So, there is a quick baker’s dozen to add to Zoombwaz’s even dozen, and we haven’t really started to innumerate the diverse ways in which Christians meddle, muddle and murder. The list is, sadly, endless and, even more sadly, ever growing.

    By the way – I’m always amused when Christians raise the specter of godless communists as a counter-point to reminiscences about Christian atrocities, past and present. True, Stalin and Pol Pot were just as brutal and murderous as the Popes and Crusaders of yore. But isn’t being a “man of god” supposed to make you *better* than a godless tyrant? What does it say about your god when his true believers exercise no better control over their baser instincts than an amoral despot? Not much.

    Bottom line for me is this: Keep YOUR religion out of MY government and out of MY life, and you can believe whatever foolish nonsense your heart desires – just don’t expect me to subsidize your mythology through tax breaks!

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