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At my funeral

May 29th, 2013

I want someone to come to my funeral dressed as a clown. She should stand quietly until the officiant asks for people to come up to share memories of the deceased. Then the clown will walk silently to the microphone, honk her horn once, pull a comically over-sized handkerchief out of her sleeve, dab her eye, and slip back into the crowd.

Pick-Up Lines for Philosophers

May 29th, 2013

“Let’s put the ‘sin’ back in ‘sinn und bedeutung.'”
“I’d like to make like G.E. Moore and use my two hands to prove to you that the external world exists.”
“How do you feel about the use/mention distinction? Because if you mention it, I’ll use it.”
“I’d like to modus your ponens.”
“I’m a mereologist. I’d like to discuss the relation between your part and my hole.”
“I’m a *very* hard determinist.”

“Bald” a found poem from Kalish and Montague’s textbook on formal logic

April 16th, 2013

For each x, x is bald,
Everything is bald,
Each thing is bald,
All things are bald,
For all x, x is bald.

There is an object x such that x is bald,
For some x, x is bald,
Something is bald,
At least one thing is bald,

There is a bald thing.

My 756th Time Travel Trip

March 19th, 2013

After 755 tries, I finally succeeded in stopping World War III before it started! Sadly, I found there were a few side-effects:

1. Bell-bottoms are now just a fad from the 60s, and not a legal requirement.
2. Somehow, Newt Gingrich is no longer Emperor of Mars.
3. The Beatles were, apparently, more popular than Yoko Ono?
4. People use “toilets” to dispose of “excrement.”
5. Most household appliances and furnishings are non-sentient and inedible.
6. God is white.

My apologies for these changes, but at least we aren’t all melting in a stew of radioactive super-squid and running from the porn stars who rule our life-pods.

New Year’s Resolutions

January 1st, 2013


1. Eat more fiber
2. Invent humanity-destroying death ray
3. Make love to a space alien or former terrorist or deity
4. Jack up some motherfuckers, yo
5. Shower at least 4 times
6. Finish my memoir, “How You All Have Failed Me”

Traditional French Christmas

December 28th, 2012


The children gather by the fireside and build a giant croissant of despair upon the bones of meaning. The eldest then tells the story of “Papa Noel,” but without using the letter “e.” Stockings are filled with the lost promise of empire, and then all fall into a fitful sleep and experience a dream where sex and death become one.

Yelling in America

August 26th, 2012

I’m hungry, and America is yelling,
I’m alone, and America yells,
I surf the internet in my underpants and read the yells of America.
America’s yelling drowns out my TV
When I’m watching a show about yelling.

America is not just a place
America is not just an idea
America is not just an actor on the world stage
America is more:
America is the freedom to yell
reinterpreted as the obligation to yell.

The Lament of Todd Akin

August 25th, 2012

Todd AKin

O, America, why are you yelling at me?
I misspoke! I misspoke!
I only meant to say that rape
Real, honest-to-goodness, no-doubt rape
Is bad. Really really
Bad.

So what I was saying, is, basically:
Rape is bad.
How can you argue with that
Unless you’re some slut who was fake raped?
I mean, I’m not accusing, I’m just saying

Just saying: rape, that’s a bad thing
When it happens to Christian girls.

Wonder Woman Has Something To Say To Paul Ryan

August 11th, 2012

Wonder Woman has some choice words for Paul Ryan

“[Paul Ryan] was a cosponsor of the Sanctity of Human Life Act, a federal bill defining fertilized eggs as human beings, which, if passed, would criminalize some forms of birth control and in vitro fertilization…During that campaign, Ryan also expressed his willingness to let states criminally prosecute women who have abortions. According to another Journal Sentinel article, he ‘would let states decide what criminal penalties would be attached to abortions.'”

Even Hulk Can Figure That Out

August 11th, 2012

The Hulk thinks Ayn Rand is for teenagers.