On July 9th, 1967, Federico Amasso fell into a pool full of hungry babies and was suckled to death.

In renaissance Flanders it was not uncommon for logs or sticks to become angry, and kill passersby. This is why the “Flanders Wood Laws,” which called for the expulsion of unfinished wood products from vestibules and constabularies, were enacted.

On Valentine’s day of 1949, in Boulder, Colorado, Thomas A. Quartos literally died of a broken heart when his girlfriend, Lilly Anne McDithers, shot him sixteen times in the chest.

On April 14th of the year 33, Jesus of Nazareth died when he was nailed to a wooden cross and left out in the sun. Bless his holy name, and the funny way in which he died.

In Elizabethan England, “the little death” or “le petite mort” was a common euphemism for an orgasm. The term arose when Queen Elizabeth slipped on some freshly spilled semen and died of embarrassment, though not literally. In fact, she died years later while sodomizing a horse.

Spoonbot has learned that some atheists don’t believe in God! How ludicrous. While there are an almost infinite number of proofs of the existence of God (in fact, the sheer number of proofs of the existence of God could be taken as, itself, an absolute proof of the existence of God) it wouldn’t hurt to put a couple more out there, to help some of these non-believing atheists to become better people. So:

Proof of the existence of God #1: The Feathers Can’t Be Magic! Proof

If God didn’t exist, then why would birds have feathers? Think about it: birds need feathers to fly. So how did the feathers get there? By magic? Hardly! God put them there with his power. Therefore, God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #2: The Empirical Proof

Turn around very quickly. Did you see God? No you didn’t. Why? Because he’s invisible. Therefore God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #3: The Proof from Craving

You’ve probably noticed that you prefer to listen to music, rather than just random noises and screams. But have you ever wondered why? It’s because music is ordered, and we crave order in our lives. Now who ordered the universe? God! So we crave God. Now think about the things you crave: ice cream, dirty sex, unicorns. What do all those things have in common? They all exist, except for unicorns. So if we crave God, God must exist, unless he’s a unicorn! But obviously, God is not a unicorn. Therefore, God exists.

Proof of the existence of God #4: The Mathematical Proof

What’s 2 plus 2? It’s 4, right? But why is 2 plus 2 equal to 4? Because God. Duh. Therefore, God exists.