God and his friend God 2 were walking home from school one day when a big bully came up to them. “Wanna see a dead body?” said the bully.

“What’s a dead body?” said God.

This was a very serious question because at this point in history, when God was still going to school, there weren’t any dead things, and it’s a matter of some great debate whether there were in fact bodies. But God was a curious schoolboy, and he was quickly persuaded by the bully that a dead body was something worth seeing.

So God and God 2 and the bully started walking down by some old railroad tracks (relatively old, since the universe had only barely just been created).

“So,” said the bully, “you like that English teacher, Mrs. Johnson?”

“She’s ok,” said God, “I just don’t get why she’s such a stickler for rules when there isn’t even an English language yet.”

“It’s forward thinking,” said God 2, who always liked to give people the benefit of the doubt. “Besides, if we don’t know the rules how will we be able to recognize English when people finally get around to speaking it?”

“That’s a good question,” said God, “for a fag!”

With that God and the bully ran quickly ahead, knowing that God 2 couldn’t run quite as fast because he didn’t yet have the ability to conceptualize space. Space had just been invented, so it was a still a tricky concept.

Anyway, God and the bully came to a woodsy area near a pond, and the bully beckoned God down towards the water. “Look,” said the bully, and he poked at something with a stick.

What had looked like a log rolled over in the water to reveal the bloated face of a dead human being. God was truly stunned, as he’d only designed humans earlier that day, and he was going to wait another couple of days before he actually produced the first model.
“Whoa!” said God, who was into acting like Keanu Reeves lately. Keanu Reeves, it’s true, wouldn’t show up for quite some time, but God was omniscient, so he’d effectively already seen all of Keanu’s movie, and even knew about Keanu’s tragic death at the hands of a mermaid.

“It’s weird that you should act surprised,” said the bully, “since you’re always going on about how you created everything.”

“Yeah, but I also created surprise, and I like to try it out sometimes, faggot,” said God. God was really into calling people “fag” or
“faggot,” which seems crude, but his ways are mysterious.

“Well, I don’t need your shit,” said the bully, and started to run off.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” said God. “Did you say you don’t need me?”

“I don’t need your shit,” said the bully, wondering if that was a better answer.

“That sounds like hubris to me,” said God.

“What’s hubris?” asked the bully.

“I just invented it. It’s the foundation of sin.”

“What’s sin?”

“Sin is when you don’t do what I say.

“So?” said the bully, “I do what I want!”

“Nu uh!” said God, and he cast the bully out of heaven, which was hard because all there was was heaven, so there was nowhere to cast anybody, but God simultaneously cast the bully out and created another place which he called “hell,” which is a word he’d heard Keanu use, and he thought that it was a cool word, so he figured, why not?

Meanwhile, back near the schoolyard, God 2 had given up running after God and the bully and was thinking about what else he could do. When he saw the bully shooting out of heaven like a load of flaming shit, God 2 sat up and took notice. “Wow,” he thought, “that looks painful. I wonder if I can help.”

“No,” said God, “no helping. Helping is, umm, what’s the word?”

“Nice?” said God 2.

“No, it’s forbidden. Forbidden to help the bully. Plus, his name is now Satan, which is a cool name, and also I’m going to create a lot
of people and they don’t get to live in heaven, and a bunch of them, really most of them, will eventually live in hell, which is a totally sucky place, but, like, 144,000 of them can eventually move in here with us.”

“Really? Won’t it be crowded?” asked God 2. “And also, why do the others have to go to hell?”

“Well, if you’re going to be such a crybaby about it,” said God, “you can go down there and tell them that if they don’t touch their genitals and if they do everything I say and if they really, really like me and want to be my friend and not just because I’m God but because they really like me, then they can all come up here to live. But only if they really like me and want to be my friend. Do you think they’ll want to be my friend? I’m totally going to kill a whole lot of them. Fuckers.”

“Um,” said God 2, “I don’t know. I’ll ask. I’ll ask nicely if they want to be your friend.”

“Ok,” said God, “that works.”

And so God made a whole bunch of stuff that he called “the earth,” and then he made a whole bunch of people, and then he waited until, like, 50 billion people had died without hope, and then he sent God 2 down to tell people that they should want to be God’s friend.

God 2 tried, but most people didn’t like God very much, and they wanted to touch their own and other people’s genitals, so God 2 went back to heaven and just waited to see who’d show up, in a low-key, no pressure sort of way. And that’s where he still is.

Waiting for people to want to be God’s friend.

Their houses and shops and business were all situated on a vast, muddy plain. The mud smelled like rotten eggs and it splattered and stuck to their shoes and socks and pants. Strangely, in spite of the wet mud, the sky was cloudless and so unpleasantly sunny that everyone was always squinting. The sun didn’t dry out the mud, though, and everyone’s underwear got sweaty and sticky, and they would change their underwear a dozen times a day but it didn’t help. Even the fresh underwear sitting in their drawers was wet and sticky and smelled like a crotch.

The worst thing, though, was how crowded it was. The sidewalks were packed, and no god could go anywhere without bumping into and through hundreds of others, all of whom were sticky with sweat. Gods frequently got pushed into the mud, not on purpose, but just from the swell of the crowd. If they wanted to visit anyone, it would take a very long time to get there, no matter where they were going. At least an hour, and it would be crowded on the way and they couldn’t walk at the speed they wanted because the paths were all blocked with other gods going the opposite direction, or with single gods weaving back and forth in front of them talking into telephones and unaware of their surroundings.

And one day the gods said, “enough, let’s make a better place.” And so they sat down and they became one single god, because they reasoned that this would decrease suffering. After all, the suffering of a thousand beings must be greater than that of a single being, even if that single being was composed of a thousand beings. Perhaps this was a mistaken assumption, but the gods were too itchy and uncomfortable to think about it for long.

So they made another world. It wasn’t perfect. If you had seen an infinite number of worlds you probably wouldn’t make this one. But it was so much better than the world where they lived that that they thought it was perfect. And they called it “earth,” which meant “place that isn’t so sticky.” Then, because there was now another place, they had to give their own world a name, and they called it “heaven,” which in their language means “muddy, piercingly bright place where the food smells like shit.”

So on the earth they made oceans and cities and towns, and in some of the places they put people, who were like gods only less miserable. The people would travel from one place to another, and sometimes it took too long, and the way was crowded, but not always. The people ate food, and on rare occasions the food was rotten, but most of it was ok. There were some nice, open places, and it was cloudy at times, and mostly you could get dry underwear if you really wanted it. People still got sores on their bodies or in their mouths, which was unpleasant, but they usually didn’t have sores, and so the sore was more of a nuisance than a constant reminder of how horrible life was. Thus, the people were moderately happy, and they worshipped the gods and thanked them for existence.

The people thought that the gods must live in a place far better than earth, and the people also called this place “heaven,” which in their language meant, “the best possible place that could be.” And they dreamed that when they died they would go there and be with the gods, who they imagined as perfectly happy beings. The gods thought that this was hilarious, because, really, how are you going to go anywhere after you die? and also because, if the gods lived in such a nice place why would they make a worse one? But at least it made the gods laugh, which, for a minute, made heaven a little less unbearable.

Action Hero Person was bitten by superpower, and now he fights: evil!

Action Hero Person is eating sandwich but there is crime. Fight? Fight! Crime is stopped. Flee into night, Action Hero Person! No one thanks Action Hero Person, because identities are secret for reasons.

Action Hero Person watches boat unloading. Evil? Fire-head Man comes to fly and stop crime, but thinks Action Hero Person is villain. Soon they are friends, but only after fighting. Oops, bad guys get away. Now team up! Bad guys are caught, and Action Hero Person says joke while punching.

Whole world is in trouble because of Cosmic Power Villain. Action Hero Person gets call: come to stop Cosmic Power Villain! Call is from Super Team, who do not have Action Hero Person as member, because sometimes justice is lonely. Action Hero Person goes to fight. Many hero persons are there, even Fire-head Man, who is now friend. No hugging! Time for fight!

All is lost, except Action Hero Person makes heroic final gesture of strength, and Cosmic Power Villain is defeated with irony. Action Hero Person looks at Super Team, dies. Super Team says: truly, this was a hero. World says: Action Hero Person gets statue, positive regard.

It is next month: something is stirring in darkness. A figure with same shape and monthly title as Action Hero Person. Could it be?

Lara: So you’re going to put the baby in a rocket ship.
Jor-El: Yes.
Lara: And send it into space.
Jor-El: Yes.
Lara: And this is because…
Jor-El: I’m pro-life.
Lara: This is better than an abortion.
Jor-El: It’s the moral thing to do.
Lara: Here’s something your high moral consciousness should have thought about nine months ago: our advanced kryptonian condom technology only works if you actually put the condom on your dick.
Jor-El: I’m saving this baby’s life! You wanted to murder it in the womb!
Lara: I mean, whatever, the whole planet is going to blow up in like five minutes. I can’t see how it would have made any difference.
Jor-El: This is why you’ll never understand ethics.
Lara: Not unless you can explain it in the next five minutes!
Jor-El: It’s pretty simple: you wanted to kill the baby.
Lara: By sucking it out of my womb, and you want to kill the baby by blasting it into space.
Jor-El: Not kill it! Get it off Krypton before the planet explodes.
Lara: Isn’t it your fault that the planet is exploding?
Jor-El: How is that relevant?
Lara: I don’t see this conversation going anywhere. What the hell, blast the baby into space.
Jor-El: Maybe it’ll find an inhabitable planet and be adopted by a kindly couple.
Lara: Yeah, and maybe the Kryptonian World Council will pass that health care bill before the planet blows up.

sound of rocket engines igniting as tiny space-crib heads off into the stars

Jor-El: Goodbye, Kal-El!
Lara: So. Three minutes until the world blows up. Whaddaya want to do?
Jor-El: Well, umm…we could…you know.
Lara: What the hell, nothing can happen this time. O shit! I just remembered!

a dog runs into the room

Lara: Little Kal’s dog krypto! Poor little Kal! He loved Krypto!
Jor-El: O, don’t worry, I made another space ship for Krypto. He’ll be fine.
Lara: You made two space ships, one for the baby, and one for the dog, and you’re leaving us here to die?
Jor-El: I knew there was a flaw in my plan.
Lara: I like that this is the moment you finally admit that you can make mistakes.
(Sound of Krypton exploding)

GOD: I’m gonna, like, totally flood the earth and kill everyone.
NOAH: Why?
GOD: Because the earth is full of violence.
NOAH: Not to be a dick, but you’re the one who’s always going on about “Kill all the Midianites ” and “kill all the Amorites and Canaanites and Perizzites ” and “kill everyone who worships another god ,” and stuff.
GOD: Your point?
NOAH: Well, you’re gonna kill everyone for being violent, when you’re constantly ordering people to be violent, I mean, it creates a mixed message.
GOD: YOU SHALL NOT QUESTION THE LORD!
NOAH: Ok. So, what if I just build a boat and save me and my wife and my sons and their wives?
GOD: What about your daughters?
NOAH: Meh.
GOD: Ok, you, the sons, their wives, your wife. What the hell: take two of every animal with you.
NOAH: Wait, what? No no no no! That’s, like, a serious commitment I’m not down with!
GOD: Who’s God? Are you God? Or am I God?
NOAH: You?
GOD: So who’s gathering all the animals?
NOAH: I’m seeing that that’s me, right?
GOD: Now you’re talking.

Later

NOAH: Even though this ark is kind of smelly, I’m totes glad I built it.
NOAH’S WIFE: Why’s that?
NOAH: Because now we’re the only people left on earth, and also, we have a real surplus of pets.
NOAH’S WIFE: We could open a pet store and totally corner the market.
NOAH: Except no one’s left alive to buy pets.
NOAH’S WIFE: That’s a hurdle in the business plan, but not an insurmountable one.
Suddenly, a great wave breaks over the bow of the Ark, and Aquaman Appears
NOAH: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! What the hell!?
AQUAMAN: This flood has been AWESOME!
GOD: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
NOAH: That’s what I said!
GOD: I totally made that flood to kill everyone!
AQUAMAN: Then your plan is not long on foresight or knowledge of the power of Aquaman!
GOD: That’s it, I quit. You’re all on your own.
NOAH: Huh. So, umm, Aquaman?
AQUAMAN: Yep?
NOAH: Do you want to buy a pet?

Three Poems to Start Us Off:

1) Shy and Starving

remember that time
in Guatemala
when you kissed my Froot Loops
spitefully?

well, I’ve thought about it
and
yes
fuck you!

2) The Good Woman of Says Juan

That’s quite a banana
not it’s size or anything
that the vulgar people would understand
I’m talking about
it’s axial orientation
you faggot

3) Under where?

Pepe and Luisa
are returning the shrimp
at the raw bar
without the least bit of
conviviality

Sea monsters loll in your tortoise-thick eyelids
when I fuck you with my resumé
O, Lord of hosts, take it like the bitch you are

See them all in this glorious page full of art.